Go ahead, fire it up

Our new house has four chimneys, two fireplaces and a wood burning stove.  The stove is the only functional one as the rest are not lined.  Our last house had one fireplace, which we used to use regularly.  I think we stopped using it right around the time the girls were born.

I want to start bringing in wood (which is stacked outside, just waiting) and using the stove to help heat the house (since our electric and gas bills have been astronomical with the cold weather we've been experiencing while the temperatures are in the 20s).  Mama claims it's too dangerous as the girls could easily burn themselves.  Others have advised even if they do burn themselves, it'll only happen once and they'll learn from it.

We don't have this much wood, but we do have enough to last for quite a few fires.

Not sure how I feel about that, but my argument is we can teach them: 

1 - how to build a fire (inside, without smoking everyone out of the house or burning it down)
2 - to respect a fire and the heat it provides
3 - to not touch the stove
4 - to love the aroma of (properly aged) wood burning  
5 - there are other ways of providing things you need in lieu of paying for them

Even when I recommend using it only AFTER they've gone to bed, I get a negative response.  I realize they can't learn much if they're asleep when I build and maintain a fire, but I thought this might get Mama more comfortable with having one.  It didn't, obviously.

We just had it cleaned and inspected, so it is ready to be used. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts whether you think a fire should or should not be allowed.

Fury and Fun, Part 2

If you didn't read the first part of this, you'll need to go back and do that.  Now, the rest of the story.

Part of my frustration that evening had come from little things I noticed.  A basket of laundry needing to be folded and put away.  A load of wash needing to go to the dryer.  Another load waiting to be cleaned.  Yet another load in the dryer, waiting to be removed.  The dish washing machine's red light on, which meant dishes were clean and needed to be put away.  Dishes stacked on the counter, waiting to be loaded into the washer.  Toys scattered everywhere in the toy room.  Trash can overflowing.

This is not our house, but gives you an idea of what I was seeing.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm not throwing Mama under the bus for slacking on housework.  This just happens when you have five members of a family and only one of them can keep the peace at home during the week.  She had her hands full, and I could tell with just one look she'd done everything she could not to explode that day.

I really wanted to spend some time with Ruby and Mama that night, just hanging out and relaxing.  That couldn't happen if one of us spent the entire evening doing chores.  And then it hit me.

Let's make a game out of this!

I knelt down next to the girls and asked if they were ready for a BIG adventure, to which they instantly replied YES!

So we did.

"Our first big adventure, is to crawl under the chairs in the dining room.  GO!"

We raced to the dining room and all of us crawled through the chairs and under the table.  They made it through easier than I did, but I still made it through.

"Our next big adventure is to tickle Mama's feet.  GO!"

The girls raced to the plant room (we call it a plant room instead of the TV room due to the ginormous plant Mama has there.  Plantzilla has been known to eat small animals, which is why we never leave Ruby alone near it) and informed Mama we were there to tickle her feet.

As I started thinking of another adventure, I realized the girls didn't care what it was, they were just happy to be doing something different.  So I took a chance. 

"Our next big adventure is to empty the dishwasher.  GO!"

We dashed to the kitchen and unloaded the dishwasher.  As we were wrapping up, Hadley started reloading it, so we crossed those two items off my list.

Dishes are done, dude!

The rest of the adventures, if memory serves, occurred in this order:

Going behind the couch and jumping up, yelling boo!
Putting the clothes from the dryer into the laundry basket, the washer into the dryer, then reloading the washer.
Covering ourselves with pillows from the couch.
Picking up the toy room.
Going to stand in the downstairs shower.
Tickling Mama's feet.
Taking the clean clothes upstairs and putting them away, room by room.
Getting under the covers on Mama and Papa's bed.
Getting ready for bed.
Hiding in a closet.
Getting in the upstairs shower.
Going back downstairs to give Mama a hug and a kiss, as well as to tickle her feet.
Crawling through the dining room chairs.
Going to bed.

By the time we got to bed it was after their bedtime, but that was fine.  We read their bible, prayed, and they fell instantly to sleep.  I got to spend the night relaxing with Mama and Ruby, and even got my brandy.

Since then, we've done the BIG adventures a few times, but not too often to make it lose the appeal.  The girls have started coming up with their own ideas.  Brynne's eyes get wide as can be, while she tells me

"The nexxxxxt biiiiiiiiig abenture isssssssssssssss....to tickle Mama's feet!"

She's usually off and running before completing the sentence.  The other night, she even came up with her own original adventure...to go outside and look at the moon and stars.

The high shelves





 

As I wrote a post the other day, I began thinking about the high shelves.  You know, the place you put things that, while you only use them once or twice a decade, you just can't throw them away.  The second you do toss something out, you realize you need it and have to either borrow it from someone else (which requires them to get the ladder out, drag it down, dust it off, and get it to you after checking to make sure it still works) or go buy another one.

 

I thought I'd share with you some of the exciting things I found on our own high shelves.  Keep in mind that we just moved and had every opportunity to toss this stuff out, but we didn't.  Since they've been neglected for so long, I thought I'd make them part of the family by naming them.  In no particular order, here they are: 

 

1 - The margarita maker

 

Neither Mama nor Papa drink tequila.  Yet here she is, Maria the Margarita Maker.  The funniest thing about this item is we still have everything needed to make margaritas, but it's been at least six years since we used it last.  We even have a container of margarita salt, and since salt is a natural preservative, it won't ever expire.  That being said, when I took the lid off the salt, I found it had coagulated into one solid chunk of salt.  While it may still be salty, it is not in a form in which it can be used without much work, so it has been retired.

Yes, I intentionally went with an Hispanic name for her.

2 - Meat grinder/finger masher

While it looks innocent enough, it can destroy anything which enters the tube of death.  I think I used this last about two years ago when making ham salad.  We've never made our own sausage, and I don't foresee that being something we'll do in the near term, but nonetheless, here it stands, in all its glory. 

We actually have two of these beauties.  One we received from my grandma, and the other one, pictured below, which mysteriously showed up on our doorstep one morning.  It needed a good home, and I had a sudden craving for ham salad, so Gary the Grinder has been with us ever since.

Meat Gary.  You see what I did there?  I used "meat" instead of "meet".  Classic.

3 - Non functional bowls

You know those bowls you can't put in the oven, the microwave, or the dishwasher?  Of course you do.  They're the same ones that instantly feel as hot or as cold as the item you put in them.  The very same ones that might break even if they're only being used to hold bread.  We have several of them.  I think we last used them as decorations four years ago, but they've been replaced for whatever reason.  Probably because they were hideous before, and we only put them out when the person who gave them to us came over to make them happy, but soon realized they probably just re gifted them and were laughing at our horrible sense of style.  We'll call them Bubba, Bubba 2, Bubba 3, etc.  I don't know any Bubbas, but I imagine if I did they'd be useless too. 

Just in case you gave us a bowl as an honest gift, I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so none are shown.

4 - "As seen on TV" stuff

I'm sure you're using your slap chop every day.  Or the bacon wave.  Possibly even an automatic jar opener/slicer/dicer/storage thing.  Maybe you got suckered into buying lids for soda cans.  I don't know what you might of bought, but odds are, it's on the high shelf if you've been too ashamed to admit you wasted money on it and chuck it. 

We don't have any of this stuff.  If we did at one point I don't remember.  Maybe I'm suffering from a very specific form of amnesia, but I can't recall ever buying anything I've had to call to order...except the Total Gym, which I have owned since 2000 and actually used recently.  I've named it Charles.

I'd say something about the outfit, but I value my life.

5 - Fondue Pot

I did used to love fondue.  So much, in fact, that as a child, this was my request for a birthday meal every year.  I know you can do pseudo healthy things now, but the thought of taking a very sharp item, stabbing pieces of meat with it, then putting that in a vat of bubbling oil while trying not to spill any out, then taking said skewer out and realizing the meat fell off so I now have to root around the bottom of the pot with the skewer for some remnants of meat which are most likely now the density of a rock, all while the scalding hot cauldron of pain sits inches from two curious toddlers as the cord on it is not long enough to place it anywhere else on the table, is surprisingly no longer appealing to me. 

My cholesterol is actually going up just thinking about it.  Fon-don't seems like a stupid name, so I'll go with Jed.

This guy knew how to do bubblin oil.

6 - Iced tea maker

I actually did used to use this quite a bit.  Until one day when I came inside expecting to have a nice pitcher of tea waiting for me and instead I found a very large puddle of brown water soaking into everything.  You see that little notch on the bottom in the middle?  The broken one?  That's where the front of the pitcher is supposed to sit.  You see where a knob should be in the middle on the top?  That's where you would adjust the rate at which tea flows out.

Ted the Teamaker has been mostly retired since a gruesome accident left him partially disabled and, therefore, unable to perform the main duties of his primary occupation.  If he ever gets his lazy butt off the high shelf, I have to stand there holding the pitcher in place while trying not to burn my hand as tea the temperature of lave comes flying out. 

I know I should put him out of his misery, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

7 - Good China

We, again, don't actually have any of this.  Long ago we decided we'd rather not take up valuable high shelf real estate with something we might actually use once or twice a year.  We then decided the lowest and middle shelves were already full of things we used regularly.  That didn't leave anywhere to put it, so we opted out. 

Perhaps someday we'll decide to spend a lot of money on something fancy we'll break a piece of every time we use it and then have to replace it only to find they've stopped making that pattern and now our set is incomplete so we have to use it for random things and spend even more money on new dishes, but today is not that day.

When I Googled "Good China" this came up.  That's the only reason it's here.

There you go, pretty much our complete list.  What's on your high shelves?

Change

Aside from two recent(ish) reposts from a year ago, I haven't been doing too much writing, as you may have noticed.  Now that a few items have been crossed off my list, I hope to get back into it. 

What are those things I crossed off my list?  Glad you asked.

Minor item 1:  New house

We had a house under contract for six months, just waiting to sell our old one as we didn't want to have two mortgages at once.  As we found out later, someone else was going to make an offer on our new house, which we couldn't have matched, but they were a day late in getting it put together. 

Even though it's 150 years old, it's new to us!

Minor item 2:  The move

We were supposed to have 24 hours to move everything we owned from one house to the other.  Even though they are only 10 minutes apart at most, it still would've required a small miracle.  We ended up getting three days to move, though it was basically done in two.

Minor item 3:  The post move

Now that we're in, the original list of things we need to do has grown.  The structure of the house is solid, and we're trying as much as possible to keep the integrity of the house by not making sweeping renovations/updates, but there are so many items the previous owners just didn't keep up with.  Every day I find more things to put on my list.  At least I like lists!  The only thing we need to upgrade that we can't live without in the Midwest is air conditioning, so that will be added this spring.

See those houses way off in the background?  Those are some of our closest neighbors.

In case you're new to reading me, forgot about my history with a neighbor, or just wanted to reread it, please check out the posts here, here, and here to see why the caption above makes me so happy.

My to do list for outside work just got a little bigger as well.

Minor item 4:  Ruby

Less than two weeks after moving homes, Mama was hard at work moving Ruby from the womb to the real world.  Papa is proud to present his third little lady, Ruby Edith, being held by her very excited sisters.

One born on 1/3, two born on 2/3.  Should be easy to remember.

Even though she was the biggest baby we've had (yet), people think she looks so little when I hold her.  I have to remind them I am 25 times her size.  The girls are only three to four times her size. 

It is funny, though, that due to the long hours for everything, the stress of everything, and the lack of time available to eat, my weight has gone by the equivalent of two of her since she was born.

Hurray stress!

Christmas Confession

Here's another holiday repeat from last year.  Hope you enjoy it!

I would think it's safe to say that everyone who celebrates Christmas has Christmas memories.  Some are good, some are bad, but all are memories.  Thanks to This Daddy's Blog post for getting me thinking about the past and remembering what I am about to confess.

The jury is out on this one.

When I was young, I was sneaky.  If you've read any of my vacation posts, you've probably realized this is not the confession.  I need to build a little anticipation here, so I'll drag it out as long as I can. 

Back in the day I was one of those kids that went hunting through the house to find my presents.  I thought I knew all the hiding places my parents used.  Actually, I did know most of them at one point. 

I'm not sure if they got wise to my hunting skills, just started mixing it up on their own, or if they forgot where their hiding spots were, but at some point I stopped finding all of my presents early.  This is probably because they started wrapping the gifts as soon as they got them, which leads me to believe they were onto me. 

The only exception to this was the big gifts.  Those I almost always found, until they started hiding them at other people's houses.  Even at a young age I wasn't willing to risk a breaking and entering charge to find my presents, so they were off limits to me.

What is a mischievous kid supposed to do in that instance when all the fun of hunting is taken out of the holiday season? 

Here's what I did - I found ways to be alone with the presents. 

Sometimes I:

1 - faked an illness so I could stay home from school. 

2 - played upstairs by the tree while the rest of the family was downstairs. 

3 - came home early from a friend's house when I thought our house would be empty.

4 - grabbed a present and took it to the bathroom.

5 - grabbed a present, hid it in my room, and got up in the middle of the night to check it out.

Sounds like someone had to try to figure out what he was getting before Christmas morning, doesn't it?

I never tried to figure them out. 

I simply unwrapped them, saw what I was getting, rewrapped them ever so carefully (being sure the paper that pulled off with the tape went back exactly where it came from), and put them back under the tree.

My work was much better than this.  Amateur.

There's the confession.  I'm sure my mom and dad are going to love finding this little nugget out like this!

Why would I open presents early?  I have no idea. 

Maybe I wanted to string out Christmas over the course of a few weeks instead of just one morning.  Maybe I just had to know what I was getting so I could plan out my morning in advance.  Maybe, just maybe, I did it because I wasn't supposed to.

I'd put all my money on that last choice if I were you.

Same old same old

When trying to come up with dinner plans for your family, or even just for yourself, do you ever feel like you're in a rut?  Like you have the same thing to eat every week? 

I've been wondering recently if the girls were getting tired of eating virtually the same foods over and over again.  Mama does a great job of planning their meals, and ours, to provide lots of variety, but when it's my turn to do it, I just can't get too creative.

My entree staples for them are:

peanut butter and honey
hot dogs
bratwursts
chicken
salami (their all time favorite)
meatballs
pasta
breakfast foods (eggs, waffles, french toast, etc)

I was trying to rack my brain for something new the other day and I just happened to ask Hadley, who was helping me be creative, what she wanted to eat.

"Bratwurst"

Mmmmm, bratwurst.

I wasn't really sure if  she meant that, or was just talking, but I went ahead and got some out and started to prepare dinner.

I asked her about a side dish, and she replied with her all time favorite

"Chips"

Easy enough. 

With dinner prepared we sat down to eat.  My two little ones barely touched their food.  Only eating a total of:

3 bratwursts
1 apple
1 orange
4 handfuls (mine, not theirs) of chips
2 yogurt cups
3 glasses of milk
1 glass of water

Yes, I was being sarcastic when I said they barely touched their food.

After all this disappeared, Brynne informed me

"Me want something else to eat."

They got a few M&Ms, usually reserved for potty training treats, and that seemed to top them off. 

From the mouths of babes

Not much time to blog, but I have been able to jot some notes down recently about events as they are taking place around the house.  Here are a few of them:

Example 1:

We had to move the car seats from one car to the other for a few days.  Upon trying to do this, I discovered there was barely enough legroom for the driver when their car seats were rear facing, so I switched them around to forward facing temporarily.

The first time I put Brynne in the car she promptly informed me I was putting her in the car

Upside down!! 

She screamed and cried until we got moving.  Once she realized she could actually see out the front, along with seeing Mama and Papa, she was thrilled.

Example 2:

Hadley informed me her tummy hurt.  I asked her why.  She replied

Why not?

Example 3:

Mama is doing such a great job of teaching them manners.  Hadley told me, when I gave her the option of either eating more fish sticks or more strawberries,

No thank you.

Even when I informed her I wasn't asking if she wanted to eat more, it was a choice of which one she wanted to eat, she stuck to her guns.

No thank you...Papa.

Example 4:

Mama has, actually, been able to teach them some real manners.  If they want more milk or water to drink, or really anything they want, they can't just point, grunt, or say gimme.  They use the following phrase:

Mama (or Papa), may I please have some more milk please?
 

They don't stop there.  Since they're used to one of us saying "yes you may" for a legitimate request, they make it and answer it all at once.

Mama (or Papa), may I please have some more milk please yes you may. 

Example 5:

We were sitting on the bed, reading the bible as we do every night before they head off to sleep.  I had Hadley on my left and Brynne on my right.  They would take turns turning the pages as I read, so I was free to put an arm around each of them and snuggle them tightly.  Hadley took one look at my hand, grabbed it to move it, and told me (while shaking a finger at me) to

Keep your hands to yourself.

 Example 6:

The girls were eating their dinner, but were pretty much done.  They were asking for some more milk, so I told them they had to clean their plates (stealing an old phrase from my parents) before they got more.  I turned around to get the milk and when I turned back, Brynne had taken all the food off her plate and stacked it on her tray.  She threw her hands in the air and proudly proclaimed

All clean!!

You know you're tired when...

1 - you wonder why your mouse isn't working, until you realize you've grabbed your cell phone and are trying to use that to manipulate your computer.

but my mouse is wireless

2 - the phone rings, you pick it up, nobody is on the other end, and it keeps ringing. Meaning, you picked up your cell phone when the office phone was ringing.

another way to fail using the phone

3 - you find yourself in a 30 minute conversation with the most annoying person in your office and you are okay with it because it keeps you from falling asleep at your desk.

Yes, Milton, I'm still listening

4 - you have to touch your eyeball to see if you did, in fact, remember to put in your contacts that morning.

bet he doesn't have this problem

5 - you try not to blink because reopening your eyes seems like too much work.

a much better solution

6 - you hang up a call rather than be put on hold because the elevator music they're playing might put you to sleep.

7 - you take two hours to realize you never turned on the light in your office.

I suppose that's enough light to work by

8 - you start eating lunch and then realize it's only 9 AM.

whatever

9 - the funniest thing you've heard all day is the guy in the office next to you repeating "hello" 35 times before deciding something is wrong with the caller's phone. Actually, it was 35 times over four different calls...I counted.

apparently not

10 - you count the number of times the guy in the office next to you says hello before hanging up.

11 - you catch yourself doing the sleeping head bob, while in the restroom.

at least he's not on the toilet

12 - you find yourself mentally measuring the space under your desk and wondering if you could nap there without anyone finding out.

sadly, the answer is no

13 - you've managed to finish a Mountain Dew before anyone else is even in the office.

I can't wait for the sugar high to wear off, maybe then I'll sleep

All of this happened to me the other morning so I thought I'd share it - and because I haven't had a good list post in quite some time. 

Go ahead, laugh at me.  I'm not sure I'll even know what's going on if this keeps up.

A week away from home

I've been gone for a week, which is why I haven't posted much.  Here are a few observations from the week on the road:

Most shower heads hit me right about chest high - that's where they come out of the wall.  One hotel shower this week was actually about seven feet high.  It was wonderful, but I'm guessing not many people could take advantage of the adjustable flows as the control for it was another six inches higher. 

This is the typical shower head placement from above, and the shower curtain height from below.

I'm sure housekeeping didn't like all the water on the floor of the bathroom, but if you're going to install the shower head that high, you probably ought to go ahead and raise the level of the shower curtain to greater than five feet six inches.  If I can look out over the curtain, it's probably not a good thing.

If you are driving a shuttle, and looking for tips, I have one for you.  You didn't help the 65 year old woman load her large suitcase onto the shuttle, so I did.  Don't stand there with your hand out when I get off.  I should've taken money out of your jar and slapped you when you looked annoyed (with your hand outstretched and palm up) as I walked past you.

Ever wonder why some companies are not as profitable as they could be?  Here's a perfect example.  My co-worker and I had a few drinks and an appetizer at the restaurant in the hotel.  I had them charge the bill to my room on two different nights.  When I went to checkout, only the second night appeared on the bill.  Also, the soda and water I had charged directly to the room from the lobby didn't make it onto the bill.  I informed the front desk they were missing those two charges and they said "looks like you got free drinks".  I feel good that I tried to pay for the services I used, but I wonder how often this happens and how many times a $50 bill just gets written off.

Hotel beds are almost always too short.


Even sleeping diagonally I didn't have room to stretch out.

Toddlers change so much more when you're gone for a few days than they would have had you been there.

Even when I try to schedule a time to talk with Julia, something comes up on one end so we end up talking in the wee hours of the morning.  We're then both exhausted the next day with no chance to nap.

Coming home takes twice as long as it does to get there. 

The time away lasts twice as long as the time at home does.

It's impossible to eat healthy on the road and the "gyms" hotels advertise rarely live up to their billing.  I wouldn't necessarily consider an 8X8 room with a treadmill, one five pound dumbbell and a set of 10 pound ones a "workout facility".  Oh, and it is tough to swim laps in a 10X10 pool.

Things I've learned recently

Here's another list for your reading pleasure.

1 - A 2-0 fastball right down the middle is the best way to end a "four baseball game in three day" weekend. 

2 - You know you need sleep when it's 8 PM, you're home alone with your sleeping twins, and you come to your senses as you're walking to the car to run a quick errand.  

3 - Seeing a father and child playing catch is pretty cool.  Even if the father is standing halfway down a steep hill and chasing every other throw to the bottom.

4 - A two hour lunch with a client where we talk zero business is the best kind of meeting.

5 - Some people just don't know how to negotiate.  You give and you take, you don't just take. 

6 - The thing you hate most about your own house will be a selling point when you list it, and you will defend it like you would your child.

7 - You may struggle understanding other toddlers, but with your own, most words are clear as can be.

8 - Going a day without seeing your children hurts.

9 - Business travel sucks, especially when you go to a coast from the Midwest and are there less time than you spend traveling there.

10 - Celebrate everything your children do.  No matter how big or how small.  You will remember their smiles more than the event which caused it.

11 - Having a toddler wake up with a dry diaper, then immediately asking to go potty in the actual potty, is so fantastic.

12 - Walking out to the backyard and finding your dog run has collapsed is frustrating.  Especially when you can't tell if the wire has worn out (after only a few years) or if it was cut by someone.

13 - Having both of your girls yell "BOO-BOO" as they stick a finger into the strawberries on your knees is funny and excruciating at the same time.

Thirteen is my lucky number, so I'll stop here.  What a week!

In response to the stupid neighbor

As you may recall, in my last post, I told you I would be destroying my neighbor's claims.  So here we go.  I'll try to keep it nice, but you might want to read this before letting your children. 

You might not have to "hide yo kids, hide yo wife" after all.

"We live in a very nice neighborhood and shouldn't have to put up with this. All the neighbors are fed up with it. Nobody else leaves their dogs out for three hours. I can understand an hour, but not three."

That's what she said on the phone.  Rubbish.

Yes, we do live in a nice neighborhood, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a very nice one.  Why?  Because very nice neighborhoods don't have properties the owners don't maintain.  Owners like, oh I don't know, let me just pick someone out.  Maybe like you.

1 - You have multiple screens in your windows with large gashes in them.  Not little cuts, but foot long gashes where the screen is flayed open.  For less than $10 you can buy a kit to repair them.  I've done it myself and will help if you want.  While you're at it, maybe you'd like to put the screen door back on the tracks instead of having it lean against the house.

2 - The yard looks great.  I love what you've done with it.  Nobody else had the idea to get rid of a good portion of actual grass and let bare spots and weeds be accented by the occasional pile of crap.  Way to be a trendsetter.

3 - I take that back.  You do have a nice section of grass.  It's right along your fence line and looks to be about 18 inches tall.  It's nice and green, but I'm sure you've just overlooked that when you drove by on your riding lawnmower. 

Seriously?!?  You need a rider for that "yard"?  I could probably use the weed eater to mow your yard in about the same time it takes you to use the rider.

If he'd thought of this, he'd be doing it instead.

4 - The little bench in the yard, on the side of the house, is only lacking three of the five boards needed to sit on and two of the four back support pieces, which is probably why I've never seen anyone actually sit there in six years.  It might be cozy on a cool fall evening, seeing how it's right next to the homemade portable fire pit with the rusted out bottom. 

Perhaps having nowhere to place the wood is what prevents you from using it.  I'd still use it, if I were you, since there's no grass to catch fire near it.  Seeing how it sits eight inches from the house, I'm sure you have plenty of clearance so you don't have to worry about melting the siding.  If that worries you, just wait until next time you mow.  When you push it around with the rider to avoid getting up and actually moving it, just put it where you want it.

5 - While we're talking about the fence and siding, can I just say how much I love the job you've done painting it?  There's nothing wrong with the red color you chose.  It matches the yellow house quite nicely.  It especially matches the part of the yellow house you painted red.  In case you ever get another wild hair up your ass and decide to repaint, might I advise NOT spray painting while the wind is gusting?  I'm sure you'll get that fixed up right away, it's only been three years.

6 -  The 10 foot by 30 foot fence you installed encompasses a hot tub, swimming pool, patio, and rotting jungle gym thing.  Well planned.  You have one foot of clearance around all items.  I bet your dog just LOVES all that free space to run around.  If you were to play fetch, the dog would have to run to the ball, pick it up in it's mouth, and walk backwards to bring it to you.  FUN!  But, since you're more worried about my dogs than yours, I never see you play with it, so no need to worry about that.

I might have considered paying the extra $50 to extend that fence out another 10 or so feet, but since you couldn't get the rider in there to mow, you probably made the best choice for yourself.

7 - You have a two car garage, yet one car in is the driveway and one is mostly in the street, parked facing the wrong way.  I say mostly because you tend to park in the yard.  At least you're in no danger of killing grass.  Instead of vehicles, you choose to fill the garage with the rider, a motorcycle badly in need of a muffler (I can hear that when you go cruising around the subdivision at two miles an hour so everybody can see how cool you are), and a treadmill/clothesline. 

I do appreciate when you hang your stars and stripes micro-thong speedo on it as opposed to being slung over the fence where I would have to see it - bet your wife can't get enough of you in that.  I know I threw up in my mouth when I saw you parading around with it on.  I have a long t-shirt I will gladly give to you, in case you feel like covering up.

Next year's swimsuit.

8 - Your mailbox, well, I guess there's nothing wrong with your mailbox.  Finally, I've found something you've done right. 

That's enough of that, for now.  On to the rest of your comment.  There are ten houses which form our inside circle of backyards.  I've spoken to eight of the other owners.  None of them have any issues.  Most of them have dogs, and one of them even apologized once she found out you called the cops as her cat "prances around the backyard antagonizing your dogs every chance she gets". 

Our next door neighbor's dog was outside the whole time they were today, four hours or so.  The neighbors next to us on the other side regularly leave their dogs out all day, and bark back and forth with mine while running along the fence line.  One other house has two new puppies and they are out in the mornings, evenings, and a lot on weekends.  The neighbors across the street from you have two dogs in their front yard all the time on a lead from a stake.  They barked for three hours yesterday when I was outside, yet no cops were called.  Interesting. 

You thought a stake in the ground which labeled vegetables was actually a grave marker for all the animals we've killed.

RIP tomato and carrot.  You were good dogs.

You thought our dogs were tied to a tree when in fact they are on a 30 foot dog run with a ten foot lead.

You thought buying a bikini four sizes too small would look good on you.

Based on your past thinking, you'll have to forgive me for not believing you can understand such abstract concepts as units of time.  I'm not sure you know what an hour is.  I know you don't know how long it takes for three hours to pass, as every time you call the cops you claim the dogs have been barking that long. 

Here's something we agree on - you don't understand three.

I rest my case.

PS - I would have loved to take pictures of all of these things at their house and post them, but I didn't want to run the risk of getting caught, so you'll just have to visualize.

Who am I talking to?

Here is a quick list of things I find myself saying frequently at home:

No.

Sit.

Stay.

No.

Don't eat anything off the floor.

Don't eat grass.

No.

Don't touch the oven.

You need to sit on your bottom or lay down when you're on a chair.

No.

You're not supposed to be in this room.

Don't go to the bathroom there.

No.

Excuse you.

How about some kisses?

No.

Do you want to go outside?

Be quiet.

No.

Can you tell which comments are directed toward a dog and which ones are for children?  I'll give you a hint - anything in italics applies to both.

Hi there!

I wrote in my first blog post about the unwritten (yet mandatory) rules for writing a blog.  I've recently discovered another one:  apologizing for being absent at some point in the first year.

Almost every blogger I read has, at some point, seemed to drop off the face of the earth for a few days, weeks, or even months.  You don't see anything from them for some time - no posts, no comments, nothing.   

Then all of the sudden they're back!

They tell you about everything they've been struggling with, how they've dealt with it, what they're planning to do differently to ensure it doesn't happen again, and how they are doing now.

That is followed by a sincere thank you for your comments, emails, and concerns.

Typically, I'm not one to follow the crowd and do what everyone else does, but in this case I decided to make an exception.  Believe me when I say with all honesty I am not making light of people who need a break.  I've been pumping out three posts a week for nine months pretty effortlessly, but the words just haven't been there when I've gone to the well recently.

So, in keeping up with the unwritten rules, here is the deal.

Brad, and I'm a blogger.  I haven't posted for 7 days.  Sounds like an AA intro - when do I get my button and hugs?

That's right, it's been a whole week since you've heard from me.  Since the world is still turning, I can safely assume it doesn't need me to write to keep moving - what a load off my shoulders!

What have I been doing?  Working (I spent 26 hours in California and another 18 hours getting there and back this past week.  Business travel is not as glorious as you might think).  Playing baseball.  Trying to keep up with the girls.  Attempting to keep my wife sane and refreshed, at least as much as possible on the sanity part.

When the words are here, they're here.  When they aren't, they aren't.  I published a pretty crappy post a few weeks ago because I felt like I had to get something out.  I'm not going to link to it, and if you think of which one it is please keep it to yourself, just in case the one you thought was crappy was not the one I'm thinking of.

My wife didn't come right out and say what she thought about it, but she did give me some advice after reading it.

You don't have to publish something just for the sake of publishing it.

In that sentence, the following letters show up:

S - five times
H - five times
I - five times
T - six times

SIDEBAR - Who can admit they counted the letters to check my work?  If you didn't then, are you going to now?

Basically, she told me it was full of shit.

And she was right.

Sorry for wasting a few minutes of your day if you read it.  I promise not to let it happen again.

That being said, you might still feel like something I write is shit, which is ok.  Everyone is entitled to their opinion...even when it's wrong.

My recent Facebook posts

Here are a few of my favorite status updates from the last month or so, with a brief description where warranted.  They are listed in no particular order:  

To the very obese lady who put 6 packets of sugar in her 64 ounce diet coke fountain drink...I think you're missing something. Probably not diabetes, just basic nutritional facts.  What else can I say?

It's such a good vibration.

Just heard Marky Mark and the funky bunch on three different radio stations at the same time. Seemed strange so I googled him to be sure he wasn't dead. He's not. This was just a few days after hearing Whitney Houston all over the radio, so I had to make sure.

At a continuing education seminar and I've never seen this many phones clipped onto belts in one place at one time. Insurance people are so cool.  I was there for continuing education, not to socialize.

Just saw my neighbor use a pooper scooper to pick up after her dog. She then proceeded to throw the waste into the storm sewer. Pretty sure that isn't right.

Either our bathroom scale is broken or I put on 9 pounds yesterday and lost 8.5 of them today. 

The new phone books are here! The new phone books are here!  We just received the phone book, which went immediately into the recycle bin.  Can you name that movie? 

Answer:  The Jerk, with Steve Martin

Today is the second anniversary of my wife losing 25 pounds in seven minutes.  Our little ones turned two that day.

Didn't realize how tired I was until I took my glasses off...after I started shampooing my hair.

Just read an article on how to retire without a mortgage. One of the six recommendations was to rent instead of own. I'm thinking lazy writer + lazy editor = bad advice. I'm surprised other options didn't include moving in with friends, living on the street, and buying an RV.

Cubs lose, and are officially eliminated from postseason play.
And finally, a very timely status update from an earlier blog post of mine...

One of my favorite truths:

"If you were really the Son of God, you could just climb down off that cross!" they said.

And of course they were right. Jesus could have just climbed down. Actually, he could have just said a word and made it... all stop. Like when he healed that little girl. And stilled the storm. And fed 5,00 people.

But Jesus stayed.

You see, they didn't understand. It wasn't the nails that kept Jesus there. It was love.

When God closes a door...

Hadley opens it.

A few months back I did a little extra child proofing by putting the door knob covers on all the doors we didn't want the girls opening.  It turned out to be a bit premature, so Mama took them off while I was at work one day. 

They ended up being more of a hassle to us than a preventative measure for the girls as they had yet to figure out the mechanics of the door knob.

That all changed the other day. 

It was just about bedtime and the girls were winding down.  After their bath, we put a hair band on each of them to keep the hair out of their eyes.  Hadley decided she was done with hers, and Brynne agreed shortly thereafter. 

I saw Hadley walking toward our bedroom.  She paused at the door, holding the two hairbands in her hand.  Brynne began dancing around so I turned to watch her.

A minute later I heard the bathroom door shut.  The master bathroom door, which is obviously off the master "suite", which can only be accessed by going through our bedroom.  I assumed the wind from an open window had closed it, but as I walked toward our room I noticed our door was open - wind doesn't open doors.

Hadley (while her sister created a diversion) had opened our door, opened the bathroom door, opened Mama's drawer in the bathroom, and returned the hairbands to their proper storage location in anticipation of using them again after the next bath.  She walked out as if nothing had happened, informing me that she was "all done".

The closing of the door, I believe, served three purposes.  First, we've taught them to pick up after themselves and always leave things/places nicer than they found them, which includes putting stuff away in the proper location.  Second, they have learned to always close doors.  Third, she was covering her tracks.

I guess it's about time to put the door covers back, but I have a dilemma.

If I reinstall them, Brynne won't have the opportunity to figure out how to open a door yet.  If I don't reinstall them, the odds are very high the girls will now have free reign to rooms that are not supposed to be accessible to them.

As I see it, I have three options: 

1 - Cover all door knobs to keep them in their quarantined area. 

2 - Cover no door knobs and give them unlimited access.

3 - Cover only those doors that lead to unsafe places so Brynne can work on opening the other one - which leads to the hall closet.

If I knew anything about blogger technology I would include a vote button here, but since I don't, all I can do is ask for your comments.  What do you think I should do?

PS - for those of you that are new to reading my writing rambling, the embedded links are three of my personal favorites from last summer and fall, which just happen to fit in here, I think.  Hope you hop over to them and read a bit of my "old" stuff.

Papa's Hair Salon

I don't believe my hair has ever been more than two inches long at any point in my life.  My girls were born with almost that much.  This is written more for fathers than mothers, but feel free to keep reading no matter what sex you are.

Today, their hair reaches almost halfway down their backs.  It has grown at an amazing rate recently.  One day I was struggling to hold it out of their face with a hair band and the next thing I know it is in a pony tail.

While I never had to deal with hair issues myself, I have become at least halfway decent at styling theirs.

Here's a quick rundown of the options I have for them:

Hairband - I used this before I felt competent with any other styling work, and when time was/is of the essence.  Particularly, I use it when they start eating and I haven't done anything to their hair.  It pulls the hair out of their eyes and mouth so they can get food in there instead (the mouth, not the eyes).  It also works well when they have a runny nose.  Hair clips might work well for some kiddos, but not for ours.

Pony Tail - The basis for all the hairdos, so we'll start with it.  Pull all the hair you can from their bangs and sides toward the back of their head.  Use one hair tie to hold it in place.  Until it is long enough, this is not an option as the shorter front hairs will fall out and go right back to hanging in front of their eyes.

Water fountain - This works well no matter how long their hair is.  As long as their bangs are long enough to obstruct their vision, this has a use.  You'll need to pull the hair up into a pony tail, but have it start on the top of their head.  The shorter the hair, the closer to the front you have to work.  One hair tie here will also do the trick. 

Pigtails - This is the next step after the water fountain.  It is slightly more complex, takes twice as long to do, but is at least twice as cute once you figure it out.  All you have to do is take the hair on the left side of their head and pull it into a pony tail starting somewhere over their left ear.  Repeat on the right side. 

Braids - I've never found braiding to be a problem at all, but that's probably because I was a Boy Scout in my youth and figured it out at a young age.  The reason it's the last style listed is because you need the most amount of hair for it, as well as the most patience from your client. 

Divide the hair into three sections - left, middle, and right - all having approximately the same amount of hair.  The easiest way to proceed is to take one hair tie at the end of each group of hair to temporarily hold it in place.  Grab the lock on the left and move it to the middle, going over the top of the current middle lock.  Now do the same with the right one and put it int he middle.  Back and forth you go moving the outside lock to the middle until you reach the end.  Use one hair tie to hold the three in place and then remove the original three ties you put on.

Once you can do that you've graduated from Papa's Beautician School.  There is no more I can teach you about hair styling.  If you want an official degree, send me $50 and a SASE.

Peek-a-boo

Peek-a-boo is an age old game, I imagine.  Our girls have gotten into the fun and try to play as often as they can.

I try not to let them do it at meal time, unless it's a bath night.  They do have a good time with it, but they also end up with whatever they're eating caked in their hair and all over their faces.  The worst part is if they have something with a little spice to it as it will always end up in their eyes.

This is mild compared to what they are capable of.

The top five locations, in no particular order, to play the game are as follows:

1 - Behind the curtains in the changing room.  One of them will stand behind the nearly floor-to-ceiling curtain and wait for us to ask where they are before wrestling with the curtain and eventually coming out to say "boo".  The only thing we can see are their legs, which are clearly visible.

2 - Inside(?) their easel.  Again, we can see their feet, but I guess since they can't see us they assume we can't see them.  That is, we can't see them until they lean out the side and holler "boo" again.

Surprise!

3 - Anyplace they can cover their eyes.  Same logic as above - if they can't see us they must be invisible.  Family Guy has a great bit about this.  When Peter covers his own eyes, Stewie can't see him.  It's funnier now that the girls are doing it.

4 - In their tent.  The tent itself is made of a very thin material, which allows you to see shapes, though not specific details.  They'll hide in their until you are visible, either through the door or one of the other openings, and then call out "boo!" with excitement.  It's pretty cute to hear "boo" and then look to see where they are seeing you from - usually a two inch opening through which only one little eyeball is visible.

The pirate boat is another prime location.

5 - My personal favorite.  I went to our bedroom and shut the door behind me to change.  I could hear Hadley cracking up at something, so I assumed Mama was playing with them.  As I opened the door to come out and see what was so hilarious, Brynne was standing there with her arms raised, a huge smile spreading across her face, and she yelled "BOO!".  Hadley was standing a few feet away and she erupted into more laughter.  She knew what Brynne was going to do and the anticipation had her in a tizzy.

I had scared Brynne a little bit by saying "boo" as she walked around a corner earlier in the day.  She learned from that and tried to scare me back I guess.

I love these girls.

Figure it out

When I was young I just loved the gameshow "Bumper Stumpers".  To me and my crazy little brain it was a puzzle I needed to figure out.  I still like puzzles, so everytime I get behind a car with a personalized plate I try to figure out what it says.

Man I loved this show.

I'd love to get a personalized plate with letters that combine to produce no words - just to see keep other people on their toes if they do the same thing.

Recently, with the help of two little jabbering girls, I've discovered another game.  I like to call it "What are they saying?"

Let's see how good you are at figuring these out.  The answers are at the end.

1.  Ideeda

2. Shhh oudida 

3.  Lied osh

4.  Baba shhh

5. Ablutobusta

Sometimes the game ends when I yell to Mama and ask what they are saying.  More often than not, I am calling for Mama to translate the sign they are giving me in conjunction with their speech.  I was doing well with their signs until they got to know hundreds of them.  To me, every color other than red looks the same - shake a finger or two. 

They're supposed to look like this, but with toddlers, they all look the same to me.

I've not completely given up on sign language, but I do often find myself asking them to use their words - even if they don't have words for what they're trying to say yet.

Here are the answers to the pop quiz:

1 - I see it.  Brynne couldn't find her baby so I told her it was behind the couch.  She walked over, said Ideeda, pointed to baby, and picked her up.

2 - Let's put my shoes on and go outside, or shoes outside for short.

3 - Turn the light off or on.

4 - Be quiet, the baby is sleeping.  Another form of this is Mama shhh.  Obvioulsy this is used when I get them up in the morning and Mama is not seen.  Typically, they also put their finger to their mouth to reinforce what is meant.

5 - I have no idea.  That's not what they are saying, that's my failure to translate.  I tell myself I've still won the game and this means nothing.  Guess we'll see.

How'd you do?  Any phrases your little ones use you'd like to share?

Movies

I don't know if my girls will love or hate movies from the 80s, but I thought I'd throw out a few pics of them "reinacting" scenes from some.  Here are their/my current top ten, in no particular order, plus a bonus.

I guess that means 11 in total, but ten with a bonus sounds better.

10 - Say Anything



In your eyes...

 9 - Top Gun


Requesting permission for a fly-by.

 8 - The Karate Kid


Wax on, wax off.


7 - Rocky


Yo!


6 - Big


Next, we play chopsticks.


5 - Adventures in Babysitting


Julia picked this movie, so I don't have a funny quote.

 4 - Footloose

3 - The Breakfast Club


Yep, I made heart shaped french toast for their birthday.

 2 - Pretty in Pink

Sometimes, you don't need a caption.

1 - The Great Outdoors

Nothing like spending time with family.

Bonus - The Goonies

There is a slide in the Goonies, and since I love this picture, I thought I'd stretch for the connection.

Any good ones I missed?