What a great service

I got a call today from our health insurance carrier, or rather, someone they contract with.  This company offers health coaching.  It is included in my plan so there is no additional cost.

What, you may ask as I did, is the benefit of having a health coach?

The coach can help you with any questions you may have.  It could be living a healthy lifestyle, smoking cessation programs, reducing stress, access to a dietician, tips to improve your total health and reduce your overall medical costs.

Maybe we could get this coach!

You name it and they can do it!

Sounds interesting, and it's free.  The only thing I had to do was confirm the year in which my daughter was born. 

Ruby, that is.  They were offering to coach a newborn to better health.  I should've put her on the phone.

They were so concerned with the health of my family they wanted to get my two month old to stop smoking, eat better, exercise more, and maybe, just maybe, cut down on her medical expenses.

That's interesting.  I'm not exactly sure how they were going to keep her from catching a virus and being admitted to the hospital, but apparently they were willing to try.  They "work with people of all ages". 

HA!

I assume they've called Mama as well, since she blew through her deductible three days into the year giving birth.  Birthing a child, in case you didn't know, is something you can avoid with a healthy lifestyle.  But you'll need a coach to do that.

I'm not a candidate for a health coach currently, even though I am probably the unhealthiest member of my family.  Guess I'll need to come down with an expensive illness if I want to be considered.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

I get flooded with magazines at the office.  In a given month I get probably 20 magazines, all of which are related to my industry, but only a few of them are close to what I actually do. 

At first, I thought they'd eventually stop sending them to me, so I just recycled them...but they don't.  One particular magazine has had a warning on the front cover telling me "this is the last one I will receive unless I renew now", and it's been there for six months!

I don't get FitPregnancy, but it's the only picture I could find like this.

I get about a call or two a week from their "renewal specialists" informing me all I need to do to renew is to verify some piece of data, so if I just tell them ________ (insert private and possibly confidential information), they'll keep the magazine's coming.  When I'd tell them to cancel my subscription it never got done.

This guy got promoted from door-to-door sales to an office job!

Strangely, I never gave them any information to begin with, so I'm not sure what they are verifying!  They just started sending me magazines and asking for it.

I used to get two or three emails a week asking me to confirm, or giving me their online version of the magazine.  Early on, I started using their unsubscribe feature, which resulted in me getting five to ten emails a week.  I can't remember who I've unsubscribed and which ones are new.

Recently, I've started doing something different.  Here is the transcript of a recent phone call, with their words in red, mine in blue, and funny side notes from me in black:

Hello Mr. Janakis, this is Blah, calling for Blah Blah magazine.  Your free subscription is just about to expire.  In order to continue receiving Blah Blah magazine, we just need you to verify the month you were born.

California. 

It might be childish, but at the same time it's rewarding to hear the long pause, followed by them asking the question again. 

Mr. Jankin, could I have the month you were born?

Oh, sorry, I thought you asked something else.  Broccoli.

Another long pause, followed by

Mr. Jankis, that is not an option.

Oh, sorry, I guess I don't understand the question.  What are my options?

Another long pause.  I can't tell if the guy is frustrated or doesn't get it, but he persists.

We need to verify the month you were born so your magazine service is not interrupted.

Hmmm.  That's a tough one, and I'm not too good with history.  Let me see if I can find the answer to your question and I'll call you back.  Sound like a plan?

Mr. Junkees, all we need to continue your magazine subscription is to verify your month of birth.

I know.  Don't you see what's going on here?  I'm not going to give it to you.  According to the statement you've made at least three times, if I don't give it to you, you can't verify it, and you'll stop sending me a magazine I don't read.  Correct?

Yeah, I guess. 

I know you don't work for the magazine, and are just trying to do a job for a company they've hired, but I've tried to get this magazine stopped at least half a dozen times, so I'm a bit frustrated with the whole process.  Can you stop the subscription or tell me what hoops I have to jump through to do it?

Certainly.  I'll take your name off the list.  Based on the magazine subscriptions you currently have there are several other magazines you may be interested in receiving.  Would you like to hear about them?

Seriously?

Yes.

No.  Can't you just tell me to have a nice day and hang up?

No.

Well that's rude.  I hope you have a nice day and better luck with your next call.

No, er, I mean, uh, have a nice day.  I can't hang up on you.

Seriously?

Yeah, we're not allowed.

What do you think is worse, hanging up on me or telling me your company forbids you from hanging up on me?

I don't know.

Well, let's see if we can get a rule changed.

What?  Hello?  Hello?  Hello?

I was prepared to fight this corporate bureaucracy (that's a lot of vowels for one word) for as long as it took to change a rule.  Exactly five minutes is all I had to fight.

So now I don't know if he lied about not being able to hang up on me, is a rebel and did it anyway, found a clause in the employee handbook which allowed him to hang up, or if his boss made one of those tough decisions only good leaders can make.

Guess I'll find out next month when he calls back.

Did you really fall for that?

It's Friday afternoon and I'm getting ready to head home after a long week of work.  As I approach the elevator, a co-worker of mine is standing there waiting to leave as well.  We have little in common, so we engage in the typical small talk one normally finds in these instances as we get on the elevator.  He's red, I'm blue.

How are the kids?

Fine, yours?

Fine.  Got any plans for the weekend?

Not really, you?

Nothing major.  As he walks away he says enjoy your weekend.

The smart ass in me wakes up at this exact time and takes the conversation over.

You taking a long weekend?

No.  I'll be back Monday.

I'll probably see you tomorrow then, but still have a good weekend when it gets here.

He stops and turns slowly.  I can hear his mind working, but barely.

Where will I see you tomorrow?

If you're working too, I assume I'll see you here.

Tomorrow's Saturday, I'm not working.

I give him a puzzled look.  It has been a long week, but today is only Thursday.

Again, his mind starts working, but only a little.  All day I've been thinking today was Friday.  Are you serious?  What is wrong with me?

It happens.  I've been off a day this whole week too.  Must be the weather.

I guess.  Well, have a good night.  I'll see you tomorrow.

Okay, you too.

I let it go at that.  I'm not sure how long my trickery lasted, but as he was walking away I saw him pull out his phone.  I hope he checked the calendar and didn't come into work on Saturday. 

The high shelves





 

As I wrote a post the other day, I began thinking about the high shelves.  You know, the place you put things that, while you only use them once or twice a decade, you just can't throw them away.  The second you do toss something out, you realize you need it and have to either borrow it from someone else (which requires them to get the ladder out, drag it down, dust it off, and get it to you after checking to make sure it still works) or go buy another one.

 

I thought I'd share with you some of the exciting things I found on our own high shelves.  Keep in mind that we just moved and had every opportunity to toss this stuff out, but we didn't.  Since they've been neglected for so long, I thought I'd make them part of the family by naming them.  In no particular order, here they are: 

 

1 - The margarita maker

 

Neither Mama nor Papa drink tequila.  Yet here she is, Maria the Margarita Maker.  The funniest thing about this item is we still have everything needed to make margaritas, but it's been at least six years since we used it last.  We even have a container of margarita salt, and since salt is a natural preservative, it won't ever expire.  That being said, when I took the lid off the salt, I found it had coagulated into one solid chunk of salt.  While it may still be salty, it is not in a form in which it can be used without much work, so it has been retired.

Yes, I intentionally went with an Hispanic name for her.

2 - Meat grinder/finger masher

While it looks innocent enough, it can destroy anything which enters the tube of death.  I think I used this last about two years ago when making ham salad.  We've never made our own sausage, and I don't foresee that being something we'll do in the near term, but nonetheless, here it stands, in all its glory. 

We actually have two of these beauties.  One we received from my grandma, and the other one, pictured below, which mysteriously showed up on our doorstep one morning.  It needed a good home, and I had a sudden craving for ham salad, so Gary the Grinder has been with us ever since.

Meat Gary.  You see what I did there?  I used "meat" instead of "meet".  Classic.

3 - Non functional bowls

You know those bowls you can't put in the oven, the microwave, or the dishwasher?  Of course you do.  They're the same ones that instantly feel as hot or as cold as the item you put in them.  The very same ones that might break even if they're only being used to hold bread.  We have several of them.  I think we last used them as decorations four years ago, but they've been replaced for whatever reason.  Probably because they were hideous before, and we only put them out when the person who gave them to us came over to make them happy, but soon realized they probably just re gifted them and were laughing at our horrible sense of style.  We'll call them Bubba, Bubba 2, Bubba 3, etc.  I don't know any Bubbas, but I imagine if I did they'd be useless too. 

Just in case you gave us a bowl as an honest gift, I didn't want to hurt your feelings, so none are shown.

4 - "As seen on TV" stuff

I'm sure you're using your slap chop every day.  Or the bacon wave.  Possibly even an automatic jar opener/slicer/dicer/storage thing.  Maybe you got suckered into buying lids for soda cans.  I don't know what you might of bought, but odds are, it's on the high shelf if you've been too ashamed to admit you wasted money on it and chuck it. 

We don't have any of this stuff.  If we did at one point I don't remember.  Maybe I'm suffering from a very specific form of amnesia, but I can't recall ever buying anything I've had to call to order...except the Total Gym, which I have owned since 2000 and actually used recently.  I've named it Charles.

I'd say something about the outfit, but I value my life.

5 - Fondue Pot

I did used to love fondue.  So much, in fact, that as a child, this was my request for a birthday meal every year.  I know you can do pseudo healthy things now, but the thought of taking a very sharp item, stabbing pieces of meat with it, then putting that in a vat of bubbling oil while trying not to spill any out, then taking said skewer out and realizing the meat fell off so I now have to root around the bottom of the pot with the skewer for some remnants of meat which are most likely now the density of a rock, all while the scalding hot cauldron of pain sits inches from two curious toddlers as the cord on it is not long enough to place it anywhere else on the table, is surprisingly no longer appealing to me. 

My cholesterol is actually going up just thinking about it.  Fon-don't seems like a stupid name, so I'll go with Jed.

This guy knew how to do bubblin oil.

6 - Iced tea maker

I actually did used to use this quite a bit.  Until one day when I came inside expecting to have a nice pitcher of tea waiting for me and instead I found a very large puddle of brown water soaking into everything.  You see that little notch on the bottom in the middle?  The broken one?  That's where the front of the pitcher is supposed to sit.  You see where a knob should be in the middle on the top?  That's where you would adjust the rate at which tea flows out.

Ted the Teamaker has been mostly retired since a gruesome accident left him partially disabled and, therefore, unable to perform the main duties of his primary occupation.  If he ever gets his lazy butt off the high shelf, I have to stand there holding the pitcher in place while trying not to burn my hand as tea the temperature of lave comes flying out. 

I know I should put him out of his misery, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

7 - Good China

We, again, don't actually have any of this.  Long ago we decided we'd rather not take up valuable high shelf real estate with something we might actually use once or twice a year.  We then decided the lowest and middle shelves were already full of things we used regularly.  That didn't leave anywhere to put it, so we opted out. 

Perhaps someday we'll decide to spend a lot of money on something fancy we'll break a piece of every time we use it and then have to replace it only to find they've stopped making that pattern and now our set is incomplete so we have to use it for random things and spend even more money on new dishes, but today is not that day.

When I Googled "Good China" this came up.  That's the only reason it's here.

There you go, pretty much our complete list.  What's on your high shelves?

Check Yo Self

It's not easy for a guy like me to empathize with the daily life and routine of Ice Cube, but we still have some similarities. 

We go way back.

Unlike Mr. Cube,  (I call him Ice) I don't drop bombs on ya moms, have intercourse with car alarms, do foul crime, have the indo, sit in a house of pain, headbutt ya, or have people call me Doughboy.  So what do we have in common?  We both have to check ourselves.

I've mentioned before how these little ones of ours listen to everything we say, even if they don't do what we mean.  Now, it would seem they are comprehending everything we say, and deliberately not doing what we say.

You might be asking yourself

How can you know what a three year old comprehend and what they don't?

Simple.  When (notice I did say "when", and not "if") I do something I've told them not to do, they call me on it.

Just a few examples from the last week.

Proper usage of a chair:

The girls have been told countless times when they sit on a chair they are to sit on their bottoms at all times.  The ceilings in our house are 11.5 feet high.  In the kitchen, the cabinets go almost all the way to the top.  As tall as I am, I still cannot reach the top shelves.

As I look for a vase to put some flowers in, I realize the perfect one is on the top shelf (more to come on this at a later date).  The girls are eating, so I pull my chair over, step up on it, step to the counter, and reach for the vase.  Yes, even I have to stand on the counter to reach things.  As I start my descent, Brynne asks me a question:

"Papa, are we supposed to stand on chairs?"

I reply

"You are not allowed to stand on a chair, but Papa can" 

She then asks me

"Why?"

I won't get into the rest of the conversation that took place.  I never made it to the point of using the age-old parenting response

"Because I said so"

but I was close.

Footwear:

Inside our house, as we've done for a long time, we don't wear shoes.  Mama says it has something to do with germs and dirt, or something like that, so we don't.  The girls are very good about taking their shoes off as soon as they come in.  Occasionally, they'll wander off the rug and have to be called back.  This typically sounds like

"Hadley...shoes."

As I said in my last post, the house is almost 150 years old.  Back then, they didn't dig out the basement, pour a concrete foundation, put up drywall and lights, and make it into a den or playroom.  They simply dug out enough room to create a cellar and allow for air circulation.  Our basement floor is dirt.  The walls are bare brick, and although there are three distinct rooms, in only a small part of it can anyone actually stand up.

It does contain everything you'd typically find in a newer home:  electrical panel, copper pipes that run from nowhere to nowhere, boiler, mostly disintegrated bath mat of unknown age or origin, hot water heater, pump for the well (which hasn't been used for thirty years), water sanitizer (which hasn't been hooked up for thirty years, but amazingly still had some of the nastiest water in it you'd ever seen - ironic since it's sole function is to clean the water), water softener (common theme - not hooked up for a long time, but full of salt, which has fused together to form one huge salt block), bins for storing coal, and a toilet brush from 1950.  All pretty common if you ask me. 

Hmmm, where was I going?  Oh, right. 

If these are the stairs you were imagining, you are slightly off.  The house isn't that old.

You can access the basement by stairs on the inside of the house or by going through the cellar door from the outside.  On a particularly frigid day, I had been working outside and intended to do some work in the basement.  As I opened the external cellar door and headed down the steps, I realized I hadn't unlocked the door to the basement from inside, and wouldn't be able to actually get into the basement. 

I went around to the front door and headed in.  I actually contemplated taking off my shoes before crossing the 15 feet to get to the inside basement door.  Because I had on several layers of clothes, I thought it would just be easier to leave my shoes on as opposed to taking off the layers, then the shoes, then putting them all back on before I went downstairs.

Since Mama was not in sight, I decided to make the walk through the house wearing shoes.  They were clean enough, and really, it was only eight steps.

About the time I took my sixth step I heard a little voice from behind me saying

"PAPA...SHOES"

When I looked back, I found Hadley there with a huge grin on her face.  I said "OOPS!" and finished my walk of shame to the basement. 

Oops is now one of her favorite words.

When I was growing up I never really understood the concept that parents were allowed to do things children weren't.  Because I "insert the appropriate phrase here" (said so/am the grown up/am bigger than you/pay the bills) never stopped me from trying to do everything grown ups did. 

I am realizing my girls may have picked that up from me.

Holiday Tips

This is a repeat from a post done last year.  I thought I'd put it out there in advance of the holidays to give people time to prepare themselves.

Ahhh! The holiday season is upon us once again.  In case you've forgotten from last year (and the year before, and the year before, etc.), it's the time of year we all go crazy.  Everything we do is done to excess.  Here are a few things you might want to pay a little more attention to this year - some of them may even save or make you money.

Food - meals

If you need a helmet to eat it's probably too much food.

In my experience, most every family has some sort of large meal on or around Thanksgiving and Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Festivus).  For most people, these two meals are the largest meals they will consume all year. 

As everyone knows, the best way to get your body to metabolize this gluttonous meal is to sit on the couch and nap.  Having the TV on will only make the process work that much better.  Carbs and starches magically disappear while sleeping, so if at all possible, do not attempt any form of physical exertion.

Since everyone else that comes to eat will be bringing food, don't bother making or buying anything.  Just show up and eat.  Nobody will know you didn't contribute as long as you don't mention it.  If someone asks, tell them you brought cookies and just dumped them on someone else's tray.

Before you leave, don't forget to take leftovers home with you.  Nobody gets tired of eating the same thing day after day after day.  You'll get to it at some point so don't worry about discovering it in the back of the fridge growing mold in a month.  By all means, load up and save on groceries for January.

Food - snacking

Not only do we gorge ourselves at mealtime, but we are constantly eating between meals.  Here are a few tips to keep in mind. 

1 - Chocolate aids in the digestive process of all other foods, especially those high in fat and cholesterol.  Be health conscious and load up on these. 

2 - Make sure you grab a handful (or two) of whatever salty snack is sitting out all month long every time you walk by the bowl.  Salt is good for you!  It can raise your blood pressure, which makes your heart have to work that much harder, which means your heart is getting stronger.  This additional labor can only continue as long as you feed calories into your body, so keep on cramming food into your gullet.  The only time you should stop is when you lose consciousness fall asleep.

If you find a bowl of something sitting out with no salt, don't immediately blame your host.  Nobody in their right mind buys unsalted foods at this time of year.  The simple explanation is this:  some child got hold of the snack and sucked off all the salt.  They are learning good nutritional habits at a young age, so don't chastise them.  Just grab a salt shaker and reapply.  If you've discovered the problem in time, the treat may still be moist enough to allow the new salt to stick.  Bonus!

3 - Doctors recommend drinking a lot of water, but water has no nutritional value.  Soda (aka pop, coke, soft drinks, colas, soda pops) is made from water - and has other added nutrients.  Don't waste precious cargo space on just water alone, make sure you have some additional artificially-occurring substance blended in with it.  And don't do the diet drinks; everyone knows the sweeteners used to make them cause cancer.

It still counts as one glass in my book

4 - In the spirit of combining things, make sure your soda has plenty of booze in it.  If you're not a booze person, do what you like.  Red wine is actually good for you.  If one glass is good, two has to be better.  The theory holds true - as long as you can hold your wine down.

Americans make or buy more treats during December than the other 11 months combined!  (I made that up, but it sounds good). 

Financials

Feel free to run up your credit card debt to buy as much stuff as possible.  Since housing prices always go up and mortgage rates always go down, you can always roll your credit card debt into a new mortgage and get a lower rate.  A win-win scenario! 

Once you discover all the crap you bought is no longer being used, typically within two weeks, you can start preparing for a garage sale.  No self-respecting garage sale shopper will try to haggle you down on pricing and most will pay more than face value for a semi-used toy with missing parts.  In effect, you have turned a profit on the holiday and can use those funds to buy more decorations as they should now be on sale! 

Win-win-win for team Griswold!

To quote my wife, "Looks like Christmas threw up on their house".

While we're on shopping, don't buy on-line.  Make sure you go stand in lines for hours on end to save the extra $1.47 you would have spent at an e-tailer.  Everything related to the Internet is a scam.  All those sites are doing is getting your credit card information and planning on stealing your money.  While you're at it, better cancel all credit cards, just to be safe.  Take your money out of the bank and only use cash.

Better safe than sorry.

If you're not much of a shopper, just get gift cards.  Everyone appreciates a $20 card to somewhere they'd never eat or to a regional store that doesn't exist where they live.  Nothing says "I cherish our relationship so much that I spent 12 seconds thinking about what to get you this year" quite like a prepaid Visa card.  And don't bother with wrapping it.  Any old envelope will do.  The best are reply envelopes which are typically enclosed in credit card offers.  Even though you won't be getting a credit card, you can still use the envelope and save some more cash.
 
Scheduling

You can make anything work if you try.  Visiting three different locations in one day is easy.  Not only do you get to buy gifts for three sets of people (and therefore get three sets in return to resell), you get to eat three times the amount of food and take home three times the amount of leftovers! 

Aside from family gatherings you can also plan on attending office parties, fundraisers, children's performances, get togethers with friends, and any other number of events you can either get invited to or invite yourself to.  Make sure you go to everything!  You simply cannot miss anything. 

You have the rest of the year to just hang out with your own family and enjoy them, so go ahead and sacrifice now.  You'll be thanking me for it later.

I hope this helps!  I look forward to hearing your success stories in the weeks and months to come!

Same old same old

When trying to come up with dinner plans for your family, or even just for yourself, do you ever feel like you're in a rut?  Like you have the same thing to eat every week? 

I've been wondering recently if the girls were getting tired of eating virtually the same foods over and over again.  Mama does a great job of planning their meals, and ours, to provide lots of variety, but when it's my turn to do it, I just can't get too creative.

My entree staples for them are:

peanut butter and honey
hot dogs
bratwursts
chicken
salami (their all time favorite)
meatballs
pasta
breakfast foods (eggs, waffles, french toast, etc)

I was trying to rack my brain for something new the other day and I just happened to ask Hadley, who was helping me be creative, what she wanted to eat.

"Bratwurst"

Mmmmm, bratwurst.

I wasn't really sure if  she meant that, or was just talking, but I went ahead and got some out and started to prepare dinner.

I asked her about a side dish, and she replied with her all time favorite

"Chips"

Easy enough. 

With dinner prepared we sat down to eat.  My two little ones barely touched their food.  Only eating a total of:

3 bratwursts
1 apple
1 orange
4 handfuls (mine, not theirs) of chips
2 yogurt cups
3 glasses of milk
1 glass of water

Yes, I was being sarcastic when I said they barely touched their food.

After all this disappeared, Brynne informed me

"Me want something else to eat."

They got a few M&Ms, usually reserved for potty training treats, and that seemed to top them off. 

You know you're tired when...

1 - you wonder why your mouse isn't working, until you realize you've grabbed your cell phone and are trying to use that to manipulate your computer.

but my mouse is wireless

2 - the phone rings, you pick it up, nobody is on the other end, and it keeps ringing. Meaning, you picked up your cell phone when the office phone was ringing.

another way to fail using the phone

3 - you find yourself in a 30 minute conversation with the most annoying person in your office and you are okay with it because it keeps you from falling asleep at your desk.

Yes, Milton, I'm still listening

4 - you have to touch your eyeball to see if you did, in fact, remember to put in your contacts that morning.

bet he doesn't have this problem

5 - you try not to blink because reopening your eyes seems like too much work.

a much better solution

6 - you hang up a call rather than be put on hold because the elevator music they're playing might put you to sleep.

7 - you take two hours to realize you never turned on the light in your office.

I suppose that's enough light to work by

8 - you start eating lunch and then realize it's only 9 AM.

whatever

9 - the funniest thing you've heard all day is the guy in the office next to you repeating "hello" 35 times before deciding something is wrong with the caller's phone. Actually, it was 35 times over four different calls...I counted.

apparently not

10 - you count the number of times the guy in the office next to you says hello before hanging up.

11 - you catch yourself doing the sleeping head bob, while in the restroom.

at least he's not on the toilet

12 - you find yourself mentally measuring the space under your desk and wondering if you could nap there without anyone finding out.

sadly, the answer is no

13 - you've managed to finish a Mountain Dew before anyone else is even in the office.

I can't wait for the sugar high to wear off, maybe then I'll sleep

All of this happened to me the other morning so I thought I'd share it - and because I haven't had a good list post in quite some time. 

Go ahead, laugh at me.  I'm not sure I'll even know what's going on if this keeps up.

A week away from home

I've been gone for a week, which is why I haven't posted much.  Here are a few observations from the week on the road:

Most shower heads hit me right about chest high - that's where they come out of the wall.  One hotel shower this week was actually about seven feet high.  It was wonderful, but I'm guessing not many people could take advantage of the adjustable flows as the control for it was another six inches higher. 

This is the typical shower head placement from above, and the shower curtain height from below.

I'm sure housekeeping didn't like all the water on the floor of the bathroom, but if you're going to install the shower head that high, you probably ought to go ahead and raise the level of the shower curtain to greater than five feet six inches.  If I can look out over the curtain, it's probably not a good thing.

If you are driving a shuttle, and looking for tips, I have one for you.  You didn't help the 65 year old woman load her large suitcase onto the shuttle, so I did.  Don't stand there with your hand out when I get off.  I should've taken money out of your jar and slapped you when you looked annoyed (with your hand outstretched and palm up) as I walked past you.

Ever wonder why some companies are not as profitable as they could be?  Here's a perfect example.  My co-worker and I had a few drinks and an appetizer at the restaurant in the hotel.  I had them charge the bill to my room on two different nights.  When I went to checkout, only the second night appeared on the bill.  Also, the soda and water I had charged directly to the room from the lobby didn't make it onto the bill.  I informed the front desk they were missing those two charges and they said "looks like you got free drinks".  I feel good that I tried to pay for the services I used, but I wonder how often this happens and how many times a $50 bill just gets written off.

Hotel beds are almost always too short.


Even sleeping diagonally I didn't have room to stretch out.

Toddlers change so much more when you're gone for a few days than they would have had you been there.

Even when I try to schedule a time to talk with Julia, something comes up on one end so we end up talking in the wee hours of the morning.  We're then both exhausted the next day with no chance to nap.

Coming home takes twice as long as it does to get there. 

The time away lasts twice as long as the time at home does.

It's impossible to eat healthy on the road and the "gyms" hotels advertise rarely live up to their billing.  I wouldn't necessarily consider an 8X8 room with a treadmill, one five pound dumbbell and a set of 10 pound ones a "workout facility".  Oh, and it is tough to swim laps in a 10X10 pool.

In response to the stupid neighbor

As you may recall, in my last post, I told you I would be destroying my neighbor's claims.  So here we go.  I'll try to keep it nice, but you might want to read this before letting your children. 

You might not have to "hide yo kids, hide yo wife" after all.

"We live in a very nice neighborhood and shouldn't have to put up with this. All the neighbors are fed up with it. Nobody else leaves their dogs out for three hours. I can understand an hour, but not three."

That's what she said on the phone.  Rubbish.

Yes, we do live in a nice neighborhood, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a very nice one.  Why?  Because very nice neighborhoods don't have properties the owners don't maintain.  Owners like, oh I don't know, let me just pick someone out.  Maybe like you.

1 - You have multiple screens in your windows with large gashes in them.  Not little cuts, but foot long gashes where the screen is flayed open.  For less than $10 you can buy a kit to repair them.  I've done it myself and will help if you want.  While you're at it, maybe you'd like to put the screen door back on the tracks instead of having it lean against the house.

2 - The yard looks great.  I love what you've done with it.  Nobody else had the idea to get rid of a good portion of actual grass and let bare spots and weeds be accented by the occasional pile of crap.  Way to be a trendsetter.

3 - I take that back.  You do have a nice section of grass.  It's right along your fence line and looks to be about 18 inches tall.  It's nice and green, but I'm sure you've just overlooked that when you drove by on your riding lawnmower. 

Seriously?!?  You need a rider for that "yard"?  I could probably use the weed eater to mow your yard in about the same time it takes you to use the rider.

If he'd thought of this, he'd be doing it instead.

4 - The little bench in the yard, on the side of the house, is only lacking three of the five boards needed to sit on and two of the four back support pieces, which is probably why I've never seen anyone actually sit there in six years.  It might be cozy on a cool fall evening, seeing how it's right next to the homemade portable fire pit with the rusted out bottom. 

Perhaps having nowhere to place the wood is what prevents you from using it.  I'd still use it, if I were you, since there's no grass to catch fire near it.  Seeing how it sits eight inches from the house, I'm sure you have plenty of clearance so you don't have to worry about melting the siding.  If that worries you, just wait until next time you mow.  When you push it around with the rider to avoid getting up and actually moving it, just put it where you want it.

5 - While we're talking about the fence and siding, can I just say how much I love the job you've done painting it?  There's nothing wrong with the red color you chose.  It matches the yellow house quite nicely.  It especially matches the part of the yellow house you painted red.  In case you ever get another wild hair up your ass and decide to repaint, might I advise NOT spray painting while the wind is gusting?  I'm sure you'll get that fixed up right away, it's only been three years.

6 -  The 10 foot by 30 foot fence you installed encompasses a hot tub, swimming pool, patio, and rotting jungle gym thing.  Well planned.  You have one foot of clearance around all items.  I bet your dog just LOVES all that free space to run around.  If you were to play fetch, the dog would have to run to the ball, pick it up in it's mouth, and walk backwards to bring it to you.  FUN!  But, since you're more worried about my dogs than yours, I never see you play with it, so no need to worry about that.

I might have considered paying the extra $50 to extend that fence out another 10 or so feet, but since you couldn't get the rider in there to mow, you probably made the best choice for yourself.

7 - You have a two car garage, yet one car in is the driveway and one is mostly in the street, parked facing the wrong way.  I say mostly because you tend to park in the yard.  At least you're in no danger of killing grass.  Instead of vehicles, you choose to fill the garage with the rider, a motorcycle badly in need of a muffler (I can hear that when you go cruising around the subdivision at two miles an hour so everybody can see how cool you are), and a treadmill/clothesline. 

I do appreciate when you hang your stars and stripes micro-thong speedo on it as opposed to being slung over the fence where I would have to see it - bet your wife can't get enough of you in that.  I know I threw up in my mouth when I saw you parading around with it on.  I have a long t-shirt I will gladly give to you, in case you feel like covering up.

Next year's swimsuit.

8 - Your mailbox, well, I guess there's nothing wrong with your mailbox.  Finally, I've found something you've done right. 

That's enough of that, for now.  On to the rest of your comment.  There are ten houses which form our inside circle of backyards.  I've spoken to eight of the other owners.  None of them have any issues.  Most of them have dogs, and one of them even apologized once she found out you called the cops as her cat "prances around the backyard antagonizing your dogs every chance she gets". 

Our next door neighbor's dog was outside the whole time they were today, four hours or so.  The neighbors next to us on the other side regularly leave their dogs out all day, and bark back and forth with mine while running along the fence line.  One other house has two new puppies and they are out in the mornings, evenings, and a lot on weekends.  The neighbors across the street from you have two dogs in their front yard all the time on a lead from a stake.  They barked for three hours yesterday when I was outside, yet no cops were called.  Interesting. 

You thought a stake in the ground which labeled vegetables was actually a grave marker for all the animals we've killed.

RIP tomato and carrot.  You were good dogs.

You thought our dogs were tied to a tree when in fact they are on a 30 foot dog run with a ten foot lead.

You thought buying a bikini four sizes too small would look good on you.

Based on your past thinking, you'll have to forgive me for not believing you can understand such abstract concepts as units of time.  I'm not sure you know what an hour is.  I know you don't know how long it takes for three hours to pass, as every time you call the cops you claim the dogs have been barking that long. 

Here's something we agree on - you don't understand three.

I rest my case.

PS - I would have loved to take pictures of all of these things at their house and post them, but I didn't want to run the risk of getting caught, so you'll just have to visualize.

Probably not a good idea

There are some days when the girls refuse to want to do anything we propose.  All they do is yell "NO", cry, and attack one another.  Sometimes they attack Mama, but that doesn't end well for them.  Once, they attacked Papa.  It hasn't happened a second time.

I think I have the answer!

We have a wonderful dog run in the back yard.  For you city folk, a dog run is simply a pulley suspended on a cable, strung between two immovable objects - trees in our case.  Our two dogs seem to enjoy it immensely, so why wouldn't the girls?  Since we already have the line up, and a dual lead, all I need to do is figure out some way to hook the girls up.

They could then run back and forth, barking at the neighbors and playing in the rocks, all without fear of escape.  The area has plenty of shade, so all we'd need to do is set out a bowl of water in case they get thirsty.  What could go wrong? 

Obviously, trying to get the girls worn out with minimal effort on my behalf is the primary goal.  Making sure our crazy neighbors don't call the police is second, and safety is somewhere up there as well.

Here's what I've come up with so far:

1 - I could put them in a pair of jeans, and attach the lead to their belt loops.  Probably the best idea, but still it has drawbacks.  Strangulation, losing the children to the department of child and family services, and serious injury are just a few.  

2 - I could use the harnesses we have for taking the dogs on walks, when we used to take them on walks.  Scratch this one, the harness is too small. 

3 - Mama could sew a metal ring (see #10) into their jackets with her new sewing machine.  On second thought...

4 - I could just wrap the line around their waist and clip the lead to itself. 

Upon further review, unless any of you have a good idea for a safer connection, I've decided to pass on this.  While it seemed like a good idea when I started writing this, the possible bad outcomes outweigh the good one.

While the dogs have never been injured out there, they don't have opposable thumbs.  I'm sure my little Houdini girls would figure out a way to escape and roam the neighborhood.

Mighty neighborly of ya!

Before you read the details I am about to provide, please hop over to my wife's blog and get the high level summary.  My post won't make any sense until you do that.

Ready?  OK!

When the 14 year old cop showed up and was very short with us, I gave him some lip back.  I'm not ordinarily like this with authority figures, but this guy was being a bit of a douchebag, pardon my language.

Isn't it past your bedtime?

He informed us he had been in the neighborhood for 10 or 15 minutes and that he hadn't heard the dogs much.  That was, until he parked in front of our house and came up to the door.  Then they were loud.  I politely explained the reason they were barking is because a stranger was coming to our door.  Isn't that what dogs do???

He had no answer for that, so I pushed on. 

I asked who called the police?  He wouldn't tell me.  Not couldn't tell me, but wouldn't.  I informed him, politely, that in case he missed the day in school where they talked about the Bill of Rights (or perhaps hadn't made it that far in school yet),  I have the right to face my accuser.  He said he wouldn't tell me who it was.  I asked again, since it is my right. He informed me that he would not be telling me who it was, but if I wanted to go to the police department next week I was free to do that.

After I was ignored when I asked again why he wouldn't tell me the name since it was my right, he proceeded to threaten me.  I was told if he received one more call tonight he would send us a ticket for an excessive dog barking violation. 

I could see this would not go anywhere with him, so I shut the door and brought the dogs into the garage, where they had to stay in their cages houses for a few hours.  Just for giggles, I checked the law.  It is possible to get a ticket for excessive barking, based on a nuisance clause.  There is not a definition of what qualifies for a nuisance, so I can only assume that if one person calls the police twice in a night that is enough.  It doesn't seem to matter that you've lived somewhere for five years, always had dogs, and never received so much as a complaint.  It also doesn't matter that no other neighbor has a problem with our dogs.  This was 7 PM - not 2 AM.

As we left for dinner, I stopped in at the neighbor that I thought was responsible.  They had not called the cops.  She hadn't even heard the dogs, and went a step farther in saying that even if they had been barking it would have been because her cat runs free and constantly antagonizes the dogs.  Also, she had seen the police next door, so I marched on over.

The lady answered the door on my third knock, and here is the conversation - pretty much word for word:

Me:  Hi, I'm Brad, I live behind you and you just called the cops on me because you said my dogs were barking too much.  I am sorry they bothered you, but going forward, if you ever have an issue with them I would appreciate it if you would just come to my door and let me know.  I'll take care of it without having to call the cops away from other more pressing duties.

I was polite.  I was apologetic.  I thought it was done.  I was wrong.

Her:  Your dogs have been outside for two hours and it's too cold out.

Me (a little stunned):  So the barking wasn't the issue?  Why wouldn't you have just come to me and said something?  My dogs love being outside and I can assure you if there was the slightest chance they were too cold I would have brought them in.

Her:  You have them tied to a tree, in this cold weather.  I just didn't want to see any more graves in your backyard.

At this point her husband joined her at the door.

Me:  My dogs are on a 30 foot dog run with a ten foot lead.  That gives them plenty of room to run around and exercise.  As for the graves, what are you talking about?

Her:  I can see those little white crosses in your backyard.  I'd never let my dogs out when it's this cold.

While it might have made me feel better, it wouldn't have helped.

Me (trying not to laugh in her face):  First off, those crosses aren't in my backyard - they are on my neighbor's property.  Second, those little crosses have the words "tomatoes", "cucumbers", and "peppers" written on them - I don't name my dogs after fruits and vegetables.  They are in a raised garden which is full of vegetables.  Finally, I appreciate your concern for my dogs, but since you don't know anything about them, what you would or would not do is not relevant. 

I don't think she knows the meaning of relevant and I probably should have used smaller words for her, but oh well.

Her, to her husband:  Don't you think it's too cold for dogs to be outside.

Her husband shrugs.

I introduce myself to him again, shake his hand, and ask him to please call me before calling the cops next time they have an issue with me.  I wanted to say "next time you think you know more about running my affairs than I do", but I'm pretty sure he had no idea she called the cops as he was not defending her or even supporting her, so I chose not to escalate this.

I can't wait for their dog to get out of their fenced-in yard again this summer as he is prone to do.  We'll still put it on our dog run, give it water on a 100 degree day, and return it to them when they get home as we've done in the past.  As much as I'd like to call animal control just to throw it in her face, I won't.  That would neither be the neighborly nor the Christian thing to do. 

I think I might still inform her that it is too hot for a dog to be running loose and that I'd never do that to my dogs - I guess we'll see. 

Maybe I'll put a gravestone in their front yard some night.

Battle of the Birds

Ever hear about an athlete claiming he or she doesn't consider himself or herself a role model?  That they shouldn't be looked up to by kids just because of how they earn their money or because they're in the public eye? 

Ever hear a parent say they aren't a role model?

Ever see a parent doing something and want to go smack the tar out of them for those actions?

Today just happened to be a day when I got to experience that.  Not once, but thrice, in a matter of minutes.

Situation 1 - On the way to work, the car in front of me (and one lane over to the right) starts drifting into my lane.  There's a healthy gap between us, so I'm not too concerned.  There is also a driver in front of me in the lane to my left.  He starts drifting into my lane as well. 

I back off a bit as these two cars are moving to occupy the same spot and I don't want to hit them if they end up colliding.

I'm not sure if they see each other so I honk, just to get their attention.  Both of them immediately swerve back into their lanes.  I can then see the driver on the left screaming like a fool while flipping the bird to the other driver. 

The other driver responds by rolling his window down, extending his arm, and returning the greeting - accompanied by what I can only assume to be gracious words of encouragement.  I'm sure he wanted to make sure the first driver knew how much he wanted him to have a pleasant day.

They speed up and slow down, trying to cut each other off - nearly wrecking several times.  I decided at this point I've seen enough so I speed up to get away from them.  As I approach the cars I notice that each of them has the same bumper sticker.

You can't make this stuff up.

As I pass the cars, I also notice each of them has additional passengers in their back seats.  Sitting there quietly, strapped into their car seats, are a couple of little children.  Soaking up everything.

I try not to judge the drivers.  I try not to think bad thoughts about them.  It's not easy.

Situation 2 - Not five minutes later I am passing another car.  The windows are rolled up, there is cigarette smoke filling the car, and again, there is another little child sitting in a car seat in the back.

At least this window is down, I guess.

I wanted to call the cops and report child endangerment, but I'm not even sure it's illegal to smoke with a child in the car.  Ridiculously stupid and irresponsible?  Yes.  Illegal?  Perhaps it should be if it isn't already.

Situation 3 - A few minutes pass and I'm getting off the interstate.  The car in front of me on the ramp is full of activity.  It's in the lane to exit left and I am going right.  As I pass this car I notice four children in the backseat of a Corolla.  I'm not so good with ages of other children, but I can't imagine any of them are older than five.

Not street legal.

None of them are in a car seat. 

None of them are even buckled in.

The driver is putting on makeup and appears to be singing along with the radio.  Either that or she's yelling at the kids.

It makes me sad to think about all three of these situations.  Sad for the children that they would be raised to think this is normal behavior.  Sad for the parents that they would think this is acceptable behavior. 

I know it's not my place to tell others how to raise their kids.  Everyone has their own methods and I respect that.  I only respect that, however, until it becomes an issue of child endangerment. 

I really wish I'd written down all of their license plates and passed them on to the proper authorities, but I didn't.

The question is:  Should I have done that?  Thoughts?

Survival skills

Boys can play with action figures, dirt, cars, and guns.  They should never be allowed to play with dolls, have tea sets, or do anything with pink.

Girls have to play with only girlie things.  To step outside of that mold and allow them to play with whatever they want would most likely bring an end to the world as we know it.

I happen to disagree with that entirely.

You would think this phenomenon would have gone away years ago, but I still know people to adhere to it.  I (which obviously means we) decided, before we knew if we were having boys, girls, or a mixed batch, it didn't matter what sex they were as we would let them play with whatever they wanted to.

To that end, I got them their very own workbench as a second birthday present.  It has nuts, bolts, tools, and a working vice. "Working" is a very liberal term, apparently.  It does work, but it is far from functional. 

Yes, it does come with a cell phone, for some unknown reason.

My own father was always very good at letting us "help" with projects.  I credit him with my ability to fix, or at least rig, almost anything that breaks.  I'm not going to say I can totally fix anything, as micro-soldering is outside my capabilities at this time, but for the most part it holds true.  I will say that had I not been involved in helping him around the house I never would have been able to finish out two basements without hiring it done.  The money I saved was no small sum, but the pride in being able to say "I built this" is so much greater.

I've heard so many stories (from friends of mine who are less than handy) about their own father's way of letting them help.  It usually involves swearing (like the father in A Christmas Story) and always ends the same way with the father saying something along these lines:

Not like that, like this.  If you can't do anything else, just hold the flashlight.  No, over here!  I can't see anything!!  Just give it here, I'll do it!!!  You'll be more help just watching TV.

I plan on getting my girls involved in anything they want to help with, to a certain extent.  Obviously, I won't enlist their help if there could be danger, but that goes for any child, regardless of sex.

It's easier to concentrate when your tongue is sticking out.

Safety first!

Actually, I plan on getting them involved even if they don't seem to want to.  I don't see anything wrong with a girl knowing how to change the oil in her car, or replace a tire.  Little lessons in repairing broken toys, replacing batteries, minor electrical/plumbing work, or anything else which can be done around the house can go a long ways in aiding their development.

Hand-eye coordination, problem solving skills, and a general working knowledge of miscellaneous items around the house are all skills they'll be better off having in their quiver.

The biggest benefit I see, based on what I've seen in my own life, is the quality time we'll get to spend together.  I can guarantee you my relationship with my dad would be a fraction of what it is today had we not spent time doing these little things together.  From chopping wood, to doing minor repairs around the house, to hunting or fishing - I would be less of a person today than I am had I not spent time doing this stuff with my dad, and I know my girls will appreciate it some day as I do.

Thanks Dad.

Snowmageddon

I'm going to be neither the first nor the last to post about meteorologists, but this was just too bad to pass up.

Lat year, we were expecting a HUGE snowfall.  The weather people all called it Snowmageddon, and we were expecting to get somewhere around a foot of snow.  I'm always leery of their predictions to start, but we took the necessary precautions just in case.  They all combined to do a great job of scaring the crap out of the general public.  Schools were cancelled days in advance.  No food or gas was to be found within a forty mile radius.  Everyone was prepared for the worst - and then it hit.

Not so much.

Snowmageddon produced a grand total of two inches of snow.

Flash forward to this weekend.

As of Friday we were told to expect between two and four inches of snow on Monday.

Saturday's forecast changed that slightly.  We were only going to get less than an inch of accumulation.

Sunday brought yet another change.  The local weather seer actually said we would get three and a half inches, but then quickly changed her tune and gave an estimate of one to four inches of the white stuff.

What kind of a range is one to four inches?  If you're going to predict precisely three and a half inches, why would you then give an estimate of one to four? 

That's right!  I nearly forgot.  Meteorologists have the only job in the world where you don't have to be close to accurate.  Actually, it seems like they are expected to be incredibly vague. 

The end of the world is here!  More details at 10.

I realize the weather can change very quickly, but how difficult is it to see what happened in the towns to your west, where the storm that is going to hit you just left, and make a prediction based on that?

If your mechanic tells you your brakes should last between three weeks and four years, you'd probably get a second opinion.  The same goes for a doctor telling you to take between one and four pills a day to cure whatever ails you. 

Unfortunately, in the weather predicting field, you can't get a second opinion.  Nobody wants to be the one that got it wrong, so they all say the same thing. 

Based on their latest predictions, I'm going to make my own estimate.  Either we get less than an inch or more than six. 

Even though I've had no training, I feel pretty good about my prediction. 

RESULTS:

In the end, we got less than one inch of snow at my house.  Ridiculous.

Valentine's Day, according to Papapedia

There are many stories about the life of Valentinus, better known now as Saint Valentine.  They mostly center around his being martyred for his religious beliefs.  The most common story goes a little something like this (Papaphrased):

Valentinus was a Roman priest during the reign of Claudius II.  He was arrested and imprisoned after being caught marrying Christian couples and aiding Christians in general, both of which were crimes then.  He was then beaten with clubs and stones.  When he survived that, he was beheaded. 

Miraculously he survived that too, as his head was not entirely severed from his body.  He then changed his name to Sir Nicholas de Mimsy Porpington and, after being rejected by the organization known as the "Headless Hunt", went to live in Hogwart's castle, where he remains today.  He is affectionately referred to by students and faculty there as Nearly Headless Nick.

And a good day to you, sir!

Today, people celebrate Valentine's Day with cards, gifts, chocolate, candy, and jewelry.  Hallmark has done a wonderful job in taking a misunderstood event in history and turning a profit on it.

The true story, as I have uncovered recently in an effort to set the record straight, is this:

Valentinus was on his way to the home of a woman he loved.  It was a long journey.  Along the way, he purchased several items for her in an attempt to gain her favor.  Those items included:  a small, heart-shaped box of various chocolates; a bouquet of flowers; an open heart necklace from the Jane Seymour collection; and tiny pieces of unleavened bread with cute sayings (such as "Martyr Me",  "Luv Ya Lots", and "Pls Cnvrt") etched into them.

As I said, it was a long trip.  The flowers wilted.  Some of the chocolates melted.  He dropped the stone insert from the box of chocolates which identified what each chocolate piece consisted of.  As an aside, the diagram did a shoddy job of identifying which chocolate held caramel and which held that nasty red stuff, so even if it hadn't shattered, he still would've had much difficulty distinguishing among the chocolates.  

He finally arrived at the home of her father and sought her out.  She was disappointed with the flowers, but she saw past that.  She looked at the chocolates, only to realize something was not right.  He had forgotten to take the little palm frond wrappers out of the box and, therefore, she could see he had eaten some.  She saw past that.

She took a bite of chocolate.  The center was filled with olives.  She spat it out.  She saw past it and tried another.  This one was filled with figs.  She hated figs.  She called her father, claimed Valentinus had made improper advances upon her, and had him beheaded.

I'm not sure which is worse, giving this to someone or killing them for giving it to you.

Later, when she found the open heart necklace, she was overwhelmed with grief.  She created a story about him being beheaded due to his religious beliefs, and claimed they had been secretly wed.  She then collected the proceeds of his estate and life insurance plans and went on to live a life of luxury.

Now, I must ask.  Is this really a "holiday" you want to celebrate?

I think not.  Please join Derek, the inspiration for this post, and I in boycotting Valentine's Day.