Friday, May 11, 2012

In response to the stupid neighbor

As you may recall, in my last post, I told you I would be destroying my neighbor's claims.  So here we go.  I'll try to keep it nice, but you might want to read this before letting your children. 

You might not have to "hide yo kids, hide yo wife" after all.

"We live in a very nice neighborhood and shouldn't have to put up with this. All the neighbors are fed up with it. Nobody else leaves their dogs out for three hours. I can understand an hour, but not three."
That's what she said on the phone.  Rubbish.

Yes, we do live in a nice neighborhood, but I wouldn't go so far as to call it a very nice one.  Why?  Because very nice neighborhoods don't have properties the owners don't maintain.  Owners like, oh I don't know, let me just pick someone out.  Maybe like you.

1 - You have multiple screens in your windows with large gashes in them.  Not little cuts, but foot long gashes where the screen is flayed open.  For less than $10 you can buy a kit to repair them.  I've done it myself and will help if you want.  While you're at it, maybe you'd like to put the screen door back on the tracks instead of having it lean against the house.

2 - The yard looks great.  I love what you've done with it.  Nobody else had the idea to get rid of a good portion of actual grass and let bare spots and weeds be accented by the occasional pile of crap.  Way to be a trendsetter.

3 - I take that back.  You do have a nice section of grass.  It's right along your fence line and looks to be about 18 inches tall.  It's nice and green, but I'm sure you've just overlooked that when you drove by on your riding lawnmower. 

Seriously?!?  You need a rider for that "yard"?  I could probably use the weed eater to mow your yard in about the same time it takes you to use the rider.
If he'd thought of this, he'd be doing it instead.
4 - The little bench in the yard, on the side of the house, is only lacking three of the five boards needed to sit on and two of the four back support pieces, which is probably why I've never seen anyone actually sit there in six years.  It might be cozy on a cool fall evening, seeing how it's right next to the homemade portable fire pit with the rusted out bottom. 

Perhaps having nowhere to place the wood is what prevents you from using it.  I'd still use it, if I were you, since there's no grass to catch fire near it.  Seeing how it sits eight inches from the house, I'm sure you have plenty of clearance so you don't have to worry about melting the siding.  If that worries you, just wait until next time you mow.  When you push it around with the rider to avoid getting up and actually moving it, just put it where you want it.

5 - While we're talking about the fence and siding, can I just say how much I love the job you've done painting it?  There's nothing wrong with the red color you chose.  It matches the yellow house quite nicely.  It especially matches the part of the yellow house you painted red.  In case you ever get another wild hair up your ass and decide to repaint, might I advise NOT spray painting while the wind is gusting?  I'm sure you'll get that fixed up right away, it's only been three years.

6 -  The 10 foot by 30 foot fence you installed encompasses a hot tub, swimming pool, patio, and rotting jungle gym thing.  Well planned.  You have one foot of clearance around all items.  I bet your dog just LOVES all that free space to run around.  If you were to play fetch, the dog would have to run to the ball, pick it up in it's mouth, and walk backwards to bring it to you.  FUN!  But, since you're more worried about my dogs than yours, I never see you play with it, so no need to worry about that.

I might have considered paying the extra $50 to extend that fence out another 10 or so feet, but since you couldn't get the rider in there to mow, you probably made the best choice for yourself.

7 - You have a two car garage, yet one car in is the driveway and one is mostly in the street, parked facing the wrong way.  I say mostly because you tend to park in the yard.  At least you're in no danger of killing grass.  Instead of vehicles, you choose to fill the garage with the rider, a motorcycle badly in need of a muffler (I can hear that when you go cruising around the subdivision at two miles an hour so everybody can see how cool you are), and a treadmill/clothesline. 

I do appreciate when you hang your stars and stripes micro-thong speedo on it as opposed to being slung over the fence where I would have to see it - bet your wife can't get enough of you in that.  I know I threw up in my mouth when I saw you parading around with it on.  I have a long t-shirt I will gladly give to you, in case you feel like covering up.
Next year's swimsuit.
8 - Your mailbox, well, I guess there's nothing wrong with your mailbox.  Finally, I've found something you've done right. 

That's enough of that, for now.  On to the rest of your comment.  There are ten houses which form our inside circle of backyards.  I've spoken to eight of the other owners.  None of them have any issues.  Most of them have dogs, and one of them even apologized once she found out you called the cops as her cat "prances around the backyard antagonizing your dogs every chance she gets". 

Our next door neighbor's dog was outside the whole time they were today, four hours or so.  The neighbors next to us on the other side regularly leave their dogs out all day, and bark back and forth with mine while running along the fence line.  One other house has two new puppies and they are out in the mornings, evenings, and a lot on weekends.  The neighbors across the street from you have two dogs in their front yard all the time on a lead from a stake.  They barked for three hours yesterday when I was outside, yet no cops were called.  Interesting. 

You thought a stake in the ground which labeled vegetables was actually a grave marker for all the animals we've killed.
RIP tomato and carrot.  You were good dogs.
You thought our dogs were tied to a tree when in fact they are on a 30 foot dog run with a ten foot lead.

You thought buying a bikini four sizes too small would look good on you.

Based on your past thinking, you'll have to forgive me for not believing you can understand such abstract concepts as units of time.  I'm not sure you know what an hour is.  I know you don't know how long it takes for three hours to pass, as every time you call the cops you claim the dogs have been barking that long. 

Here's something we agree on - you don't understand three.

I rest my case.

PS - I would have loved to take pictures of all of these things at their house and post them, but I didn't want to run the risk of getting caught, so you'll just have to visualize.


Derek Aldrich said...

Uh hem. That picture of the guy.... ya, I need brain bleach for that one. Otherwise, nice post. That house would fit into our neighborhood quite well actually.

Emily said...

Oh my gosh. I laughed so hard at this! They sound like amazing neighbours...or not. Good luck!

MandyE (Twin Trials and Triumphs) said...

So sorry to hear you continue to be plagued by these lovely neighbors...neighbors by location only, that is. "Neighbors" really should mean much more, but sadly, that's not always the case.

I did enjoy the visuals with your post, though! And bless his heart, as if the great state of Alabama didn't need more publicity, we have the "hide yo' mama" guy pitching for us. Hahaha!