It could have been caused by any number of reasons. Maybe you weren't getting enough sleep. Maybe you had too much going on to where you couldn't relax. Maybe you were just in a funk and thought things that didn't go your way should have.
I've recently been in one of those ruts for all of those reasons.
|That's me, wallowing in self pity in my hole/rut.|
I was exhausted. My girls and I were playing and I knew I was being short with them. I was trying to get them to entertain themselves so I wouldn't have to read the same blasted book for the umpteenth time (yes, I just used the words blasted and umpteenth in the same sentence).
They clearly were not in any mood to be pushed away. My doing so only made things worse. If I wanted to maintain any level of sanity I needed them to stop throwing a fit. So I read the book. Every time I finished it, they would both give me the sign. Again.
Again, and again, and again.
I was fighting the urge to push them off of me and run for cover. At one point, I may even have stood them up and told them to leave me alone for a few minutes. I didn't think they'd understand what I meant, but they did.
Brynne clinched her jaw as she fought back the urge to scream, shook her head violently back and forth in anger/frustration, and just stood there glaring at me.
Hadley looked at me with those big, beautiful, blue eyes of hers welling up with tears. She then told me "no".
|How can you say "no" to this face?|
It also brought me out of my funk - at least for a little bit.
All my daughters wanted to do was: sit in my lap; turn the pages of one of their favorite books; point out the animals they knew while either making the appropriate sign or animal sound; hear my voice read the words they couldn't; and acknowledge/praise them for how much they knew and could do.
As I look back on the whole event, I still don't know if they were being selfish, too, or just wanting to hang out with their dear old Papa. At one point I caught Hadley just looking at me. Brynne was still turning/ripping pages and pointing out everything on the page while I recited the words. Hadley was just sitting there with her head cocked so she could look up and back at me - just staring at me. If she could fully express herself, I imagine she would have asked me if I was okay now.
That might have made me cry a little. Actually, it made me cry a lot.
I don't know how long I sat and stared at her beautiful little face with tears running down my own, but it was long enough for Brynne to finish the book and hop up to get another one. She got the book, gave me a pat on the back, plopped back down in my lap, looked up at me, and gave me a huge smile. That broke the trance, and soon both girls were fighting over who got to turn the pages of the new (finally!) book.
And I was crying again.
In the end, it doesn't matter if they were being selfish or not. This is what matters: my words and actions caused them to feel rejected.
Try that one on for size. I rejected my daughters when all they wanted was quality time with me.
How long will they want me to read to them? When will I be the one asking to spend time with them, only to be told no, and to then feel rejected myself? Why did I allow my frustrations with everything else in the world to impact our time together?
I don't know the answers to any of those questions.
Any advice as to how to either avoid the rut or get out once inside it (other than drugs and alcohol)?