Torn

During the first six months of our girls' lives they didn't sleep well.  That's an understatement.  They cat napped at times during the day, and did basically the same at night.  Nobody in our house slept longer than an hour or two at a time with any consistency.

After visiting the baby whisperer (our nickname for the sleep specialist) we finally put the poor sleeping habits to bed.  Please forgive me for the pun.  I am a little slap happy after no sleep last night.  I thought it was punny, so I'm leaving it.

Our sleep specialist's name might have been Brooklyn.

I love it now that they sleep from 7 PM to after 7 AM every night/morning. 

I love it that they take a couple hour nap in the afternoon. 

I loved being home to get them up in the morning when they would wake before 7.

Yes, that is past tense.  They are sleeping in until after I leave now.  I rarely get to see all my girls in the morning before I head out to work. 

I miss walking into their room and hearing them excitedly say "Papa, Papa!". 

I miss scooping them up for hugs and kisses. 

I even miss changing them so Mama doesn't have to.

I've considered making a loud noise or just walking into their room to wake them up some mornings.  I don't do that as it would be incredibly selfish and unfair to everyone but me.  But I still think about it.

Not cool when Mama and kiddos are sleeping.

Is it wrong that I sometimes secretly wish they would wake up on their own early enough for me to greet them?

Papa Loves...a link to Mama Loves

In college, as a gag gift, my parents bought me a bowl with a straw built into it.  I don't think they thought I would ever use it, but I still have it 15 years later.

Genius, pure genius.

I admit to not using it much lately as breakfast has become more "grab something I can eat in the car" than an actual sit down event.  I call it an event because I used to be a HUGE breakfast eater, to the point of devouring at least half a box of cereal at a time.

While I occasionally do eat cereal, my girls are the ones that eat it most days.  One morning, I was finishing their meal as I often do, I drank the milk right out of the bowl.  The next time I gave them cereal they were demanding to finish the milk the way I did.

I let them do it, and they were ecstatic. 

Mama, however, was less than impressed.  She was saying something about manners and such.  I couldn't hear much of what she was saying over the slurping sounds coming from the girls, but I heard enough to know I was not supposed to do this anymore. 

As I was putting some dishes away later that day, I ran across my old cereal bowl.  I knew the girls loved to drink from straws, and I knew they loved finishing off the cereal milk, so I thought I'd try to use the bowl and see if it was kid-tested, mother-approved.

Obviously this is both kid-tested and mother-approved; it says so right on the box.

It was, and it was - mostly.

I don't think Mama fully agrees with the use of it, but since it stops them from slurping their milk, I believe she has agreed to let them use it.  I've never seen it in the dishwasher (other than when I break it out) so I'm guessing she hand washes it, dries it, and puts it away just so I don't know how much she loves my toy cereal bowl.

This is the organic version of Kix our girls eat.  No Count Chocula for them, now or ever. 

Linking with my lovely wife's weekly linky party, Mama Loves. Got a gaget, recipe, toy, book, craft your kid loves? Or have something that makes mama-ing (or papa-ing a wee bit easier, or at least better)? Blog about it and link up!

No means no...or does it?

We've all heard the statement "NO MEANS NO".  While it has a serious meaning, it has also become a punchline in many situations.  I contend it doesn't always hold true.  Here is my supporting argument.

Conversation from dinner the other night:

Me:  Hadley, do you want some more to eat?

Hadley:  No. 

Me:  Are you done eating?

Hadley:  No.

Me:  I'm confused.  Are you done eating or do you want something else?

Hadley:  No.

Me:  Is no the only thing you are going to say?

Hadley:  No.

Me:  Then are you going to say something else?

Hadley:  No.

Me:  I think we're done here.

Hadley:  No.

Me:  HEY!!!  How about a big girl bite of chicken?

Hadley:  Sure.

The point is this:  my girls have a limited vocabulary.  I think they don't completely mean to say no, but they can't yet say to me:

Dearest Papa, I would really enjoy a bite of chicken, dipped in BBQ sauce, followed by some sweet potato fries, dipped in BBQ sauce, and all washed down with a cold swig of milk.

Someday we'll get there.  Until that day comes, I'm stuck asking the same question eight different ways to try to find out what is really going on.

Father of the Year? Nope

Have you ever had one of those days, or a string of those days, where you just didn't feel like yourself? 

It could have been caused by any number of reasons.  Maybe you weren't getting enough sleep.  Maybe you had too much going on to where you couldn't relax.  Maybe you were just in a funk and thought things that didn't go your way should have.

I've recently been in one of those ruts for all of those reasons.

That's me, wallowing in self pity in my hole/rut.

It's not easy to get out of that.  For me, it was just getting worse.  My self-perceived hole was getting deeper.

I was exhausted.  My girls and I were playing and I knew I was being short with them.  I was trying to get them to entertain themselves so I wouldn't have to read the same blasted book for the umpteenth time (yes, I just used the words blasted and umpteenth in the same sentence). 

They clearly were not in any mood to be pushed away.  My doing so only made things worse.  If I wanted to maintain any level of sanity I needed them to stop throwing a fit.  So I read the book.  Every time I finished it, they would both give me the sign.  Again. 

Again, and again, and again.

I was fighting the urge to push them off of me and run for cover.  At one point, I may even have stood them up and told them to leave me alone for a few minutes.  I didn't think they'd understand what I meant, but they did. 

Brynne clinched her jaw as she fought back the urge to scream, shook her head violently back and forth in anger/frustration, and just stood there glaring at me. 

Hadley looked at me with those big, beautiful, blue eyes of hers welling up with tears.  She then told me "no".

How can you say "no" to this face?

That made me feel like a big bag of shit.

It also brought me out of my funk - at least for a little bit.

All my daughters wanted to do was: sit in my lap; turn the pages of one of their favorite books; point out the animals they knew while either making the appropriate sign or animal sound; hear my voice read the words they couldn't; and acknowledge/praise them for how much they knew and could do.

As I look back on the whole event, I still don't know if they were being selfish, too, or just wanting to hang out with their dear old Papa.  At one point I caught Hadley just looking at me.  Brynne was still turning/ripping pages and pointing out everything on the page while I recited the words.  Hadley was just sitting there with her head cocked so she could look up and back at me -  just staring at me.  If she could fully express herself, I imagine she would have asked me if I was okay now.

That might have made me cry a little.  Actually, it made me cry a lot. 

I don't know how long I sat and stared at her beautiful little face with tears running down my own, but it was long enough for Brynne to finish the book and hop up to get another one.  She got the book, gave me a pat on the back, plopped back down in my lap, looked up at me, and gave me a huge smile.  That broke the trance, and soon both girls were fighting over who got to turn the pages of the new (finally!) book.

And I was crying again. 

In the end, it doesn't matter if they were being selfish or not.  This is what matters:  my words and actions caused them to feel rejected. 

Try that one on for size.  I rejected my daughters when all they wanted was quality time with me.

How long will they want me to read to them?  When will I be the one asking to spend time with them, only to be told no, and to then feel rejected myself?  Why did I allow my frustrations with everything else in the world to impact our time together?

I don't know the answers to any of those questions.

Any advice as to how to either avoid the rut or get out once inside it (other than drugs and alcohol)?

A story from long ago

I read This Daddy's post about pain medicine, and couldn't help but think back to my own experience.  I thought I'd share it here as it, in my opinion, is a pretty good story. 

CHIIIEEEFFF!!!

I had back surgery over ten years ago.  The surgery itself was supposed to leave a scar the size of an eraser you would find on the end of a pencil.  It ended up being the length of an eraser you would use on a chalkboard since they had to cut through (and subsequently reattach) the muscles in my back to completely fix everything.  As it turned out, the surgery was not as "simple" as the surgeon originally thought; he found more damage in need of repair once he got me opened up.

When I got home, after a brief 23 hour visit to the hospital for the procedure, I had Vicodin and muscle relaxers waiting for me.  Even with the medicine I was in pretty bad pain.  I couldn't lay down, because I couldn't get back up on my own.  I didn't realize this, unfortunately, until the middle of the night when I had to visit the little boy's room.  I made it, but just barely, and it really hurt.  Let me clarify - getting to the bathroom hurt, not the act of pottying.

For the next few days, I lived in a recliner.

On the second day after surgery, I ate a little breakfast, popped my pills, and settled back in my throne to watch Sportscenter.  For those of you that aren't familiar with ESPN's lineup back then, they basically replayed Sportscenter every hour from 6 AM to noon, and then would loop a new one from 4 PM to 6 PM.

On this particular day I started watching Sportscenter at 7 AM.  I planned to watch just one episode and then put in a movie.  All I remember from that day is watching the first half of the 7 AM show and the second half of the 5 PM show.  The rest of the day was gobbled up by the pills.  At some point I did take my next dose of medicine, but I can't say that I recall doing it. 

That concerned me a little - especially when I saw that I had made a few phone calls, returned some emails to clients, cooked myself a pizza, ate the pizza, and left the oven on.  I also, apparently, had a beer or three with lunch.

That night I was watching a basketball game with my wife.  Florida State was playing somebody.  In the middle of the first half my wife asked me a question.  In the middle of the second half I realized someone was lecturing me on the culture of numerous American Indian tribes.

As I sat there watching the game, listening to this idiot ramble on with no apparent end in sight or real point to be made, I realized I knew some of what he was saying to be true, but most of it sounded as though he was making it up on the spot. 

I checked the TV to make sure I wasn't hearing one program and watching another.  As I turned the channel to something else, the guy kept talking.  I turned off the TV, and all the stereo components and still this guy spoke.

I went to the bathroom and this guy went with me.  He was talking right behind me the whole time.  How was this happening?  The bathroom was a half bath, with no room for two people, yet even with the door shut I could hear him plain as day. 

I didn't see anyone.

It was truly bizarre.

As I returned to the living room he came with me.  I started to argue a point with him and then it hit me.  I asked my wife one question:

"How long have I been talking about Indians?" 

"Since I asked you if you cared who won this game - about 45 minutes ago" she replied.

Even thought the pain was great, I decided to quit taking the Vicodin/muscle relaxer combination.

It was kinda like what John went through.

Can you blame me?

10 New things I've learned recently

I think the title says it all, so I won't expound too much here.

1 - Nothing is better than twin toddlers giggling, unless they are chasing each other around giggling. 

2 - If Hadley disappears, she is in the changing room.  She is doing one of three things.  She could be off by herself reading a book, laying under the bed with some toys piled up around her, or hiding behind the curtain waiting for someone to come in and ask where she is.

Why yes, she is sitting on her potty, fully clothed, reading a book, which is propped up on Howie the horse, who has been turned on his side for just that purpose.  Pretty fantastic if you ask me.

3 - If Brynne disappears, she has most likely shut herself in a room accidentally.  How she loves to close doors!

4 - At meal time, if the girls won't eat, we need to offer them something to dip their food in.  BBQ sauce works well for most any item.  If we are eating duck, chicken, strawberries, or if the BBQ failed, they will want the orange sauce that comes with duck.  Surprisingly, the combination of strawberries and duck sauce is not bad.

5 - When putting toys away, Brynne is easily distracted while Hadley is laser focused - most of the time.  Brynne will bring me books to put back on the shelf, but Hadley MUST put them back herself.

6 - Once you (or anyone) teach a child something, there is no way to unteach it - for better or for worse.  Even if you don't mean to teach them something, they will learn it (see #9).

7 - When looking through the Big Picture Story Bible with Brynne, every female is Eee (Eve), the men vary, but she can point out Jee-du (Jesus) consistently.  She already has a strong grasp of Genesis. In the book, when Eee is hiding from the Lord in the garden, Brynne says "uh-oh".

Great book.

8 - The first thousand times I try to open a drawer I recently childproofed I forget about what I've done, the latch catches, I lose my grip on it since I am not expecting it, and it slams back shut.

9 - If someone breaks wind, our girls will point, giggle (maybe even gasp), and then try to check their britches to see if they need changed.  It's cute when they check each other, not as cute when they try to check me, and will probably be weird if they start checking other children.

10 - Brynne can sleep through the heaviest hail storms, while Hadley will call "MaMa, MaMa, MaMa" until someone acknowledges her.

Bubble wrap fun

Time for another very short video.

It's the simple things in life that make it so enjoyable.